Episode 222: Twilight (with Priscilla Hendry and Ashley Simmons)

It was a franchise that critics turned their noses up at and movie snobs rolled their eyes at, but Twilight proved all of them wrong at the box office. When it comes to the movie itself, however, they may have been proven right. A Mormon’s tale of yearning and romance is actually a cautionary tale of gaslighting and abusive behavior. If you loved this one as a teen, you may be surprised at how it plays nearly twenty years later. So grab a beer (regardless of the time of day) and hold on tight, spider monkeys, cause we’re breaking (dawn) this one open as we discuss the film, plus the ghost truck of Forks, Taylor Lautner’s best bit, and Mallie’s live reaction to watching the final fight scene in Breaking Dawn - Part 2 for the first time. All of that and so much more with returning betrothed guests Priscilla Hendry and Ashley Simmons.

Twilight stars Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, and Kristen Stewart. Directed by Catherine Hardwicke.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Oh my god, Becca, you can't just ask someone why they're not tan.

SPEAKER_03 0:33

I'm the one with the wicked curveball. And you better hold on tight, Spider Monkey, because this is the Silver Lionings playlist, the podcast where we try to find the Silver Lionings and some of Cinema's bleakest endings. And Dustin, what the fuck? Well, first of all, I think you got the tagline wrong because I think it's supposed to be the Silver Lottics playlist, your own personal brand of heroine. Ah, no. No? I disagree. No, okay. Well, what seems to be the problem, Nathan? Uh, you don't think uh Twilight uh is a good fit for our show, or what's what's the deal here? No, it's a great fit for our show. There is so there's uh there's a real pit in your stomach at the end of this movie. That poor girl. I don't know what you're talking about. When the credits start rolling, in my head, all I hear is It's Twilight! That's enough of that. That's enough. That's enough of it. Wait, wait, wait. That's good. Wait. Oh man. Okay, so this is my pick. Yeah. I have not seen all of the Twilight movies. I'll go ahead and put that out up first.

SPEAKER_04 1:35

I have seen Oh, is there more than this?

SPEAKER_03 1:37

I think so. I've seen this one. Son of a bitch. And I've seen the penultimate one in theaters. Much like our prom night discussion, Mally, there are five.

unknown 1:47

Five?

SPEAKER_03 1:49

There are five Twilight movies. Wait, I thought it was like one, two, and then Because they definitely hallowed the last two. So what but there's three before those two? Yeah, man. Oh no. It's a lot. It's a lot of uh just waiting around, honestly, especially with this movie.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Uh okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

I know which one is the one where the werewolf fucks a baby. I think that's the last one, isn't it? The werewolf falls in love with a baby at first sight. Um yeah, he waits till marriage for that baby. He does. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh yeah. Well, maybe we'll eventually come around to talking about some of these sequels, but uh yeah, this first one. No. I I thought it'd be good because uh I think Nathan, you and I in particular have some uh some betroths that uh really want to talk about this movie. So we decided why don't we bring them both on? Yeah. You want to do the introductions for yours, and I'll do the introduction for mine. Sure. Mine.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

That's so funny. Y'all got some real Edward control issues. Yeah, no kidding.

SPEAKER_07 2:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

And JT's our Jacob. Please welcome the president of the Team Nathan fan club at some summons.

SPEAKER_07 3:04

Hey.

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Hi, Ashley. Hi. Wait, does that make me the treasurer? That's right. No, you're the Billy Burke. You're just drinking at like eight in the morning for some reason. Cleaning your shotgun at dinner time.

SPEAKER_04 3:16

Fuck yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

And on my end, I've got the uh the leader of the fanfic website that's all about uh Team Jacob. Maybe we'll find out. That's a burning question, we'll find out. But please welcome my wife, Priscilla Hendrix.

SPEAKER_06 3:34

Howdy.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Howdy.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Okay, so I guess that's the first question. We have to get out of the way, ladies. Uh let's Oh, fuck me.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

That was orange juice, not coffee.

SPEAKER_03 3:44

Let's draw a line in the sand here. Team Edward, Team Jacob. Or I'm gonna throw out a third option, team neither.

SPEAKER_07 3:50

I'm team Charlie Swan.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

Oh, yeah. 100%.

SPEAKER_07 3:54

Edward.

SPEAKER_03 3:55

You're an Edward Gal? Yes. Okay. Okay, so Nathan's wives are in agreement. That's good. Oh, yeah. For the listener, Mally has decided his new screen name is Nathan's wife, also. So I guess that has a burden question that needs to be asked. Is anyone Team Jacob in the history? Like, who is Picky Jacob, in all honesty?

SPEAKER_07 4:15

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

Nothing against Taylor Lautner.

SPEAKER_07 4:17

He comes off like a real dork in this one.

SPEAKER_03 4:19

He's such a dork in this one. My understanding is that there were more people on Team Jacob like prior to the last two books of the series. Like I feel like people were more like, yeah, he does seem like he really cares about her and isn't manipulating her. And then it's just the books keep getting weirder from there.

SPEAKER_06 4:37

Oh, before he got creepy. He's just creepy, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 4:42

So that's a good question, too. Then have has anyone here read any of the books?

SPEAKER_07 4:45

Oh yeah. Oh yeah? All of them? Yeah, I read all of them.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Oh yeah, no. I read the full fucking series, Dustin.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

Oh, hell yeah.

unknown 4:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

I've read all of them. No, that cracks. So my understanding is this first one is very faithful to the first book. Yes.

SPEAKER_07 5:03

A little too faithful.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

A little too wrath. Uh is Stephanie Meyer also in the diner at that one getting uh her cheesecake delivered to her or whatever the fuck is happening in that scene in this movie? Yeah. Every scene. Every movie, she gets her yes.

SPEAKER_07 5:16

She gets a piece of pie every movie.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

That's her Stan Lee cameo. Yeah. I have to tell you, I don't know what Stephanie Meyer looked like. As soon as that popped up, they're like, here's Stephanie, here's your coffee, or whatever. I was like, well, that's the director, right? Or the writer of the books at least. Yeah. It was her make a wish to be there. Did she write the script for the movies?

SPEAKER_07 5:32

I think so. I think this one.

SPEAKER_03 5:34

Well, I think she had like final sale on stuff, which is why it's like apparently like word for word.

SPEAKER_07 5:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:40

They gave the author like approval of the script. Oh, like complete creative control. Like oh, that's fucking wild. Yes. There was a bidding war for this property, and like the the first iteration of it was Bella was gonna be working with the FBI, and like she drove like a speedboat at one point. Like there was like a whole action sequence. Hang on. And she loved coffee and pie, and sometimes she would cross over to the to the Red Room. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

Wait, I I like that version.

SPEAKER_03 6:06

No, this was uh this was written by Melissa Rosenberg, who I believe had her hand in all of these movies. Yeah, and and wrote uh or co-wrote 13, maybe. Uh yeah, I think so. Yeah. She was also the showrunner for the first season of Jessica Jones, which is why that uh that season has some juice to it. She's a good writer. Well, what happened here? Great question. I think a little too many hands in the cookie jar. But uh this is, if this is your first time tuning in, the Silverlinings playlist, and we're a podcast that watches movies such as Twilight that and on cliffhangers and on confusing endings. Sometimes movies that just don't seem to have an ending, like uh Don't Worry Darling, in this movie. You would think, oh man, I remember that movie. Uh Edward and Bella go to prom and they finally kiss after edging us for two hours, but then there's the vampire waiting in the wings that descends a staircase into the black and white zone, and uh the credits start rolling. So there's kind of like a oh wait wearing the cuntiest fur. Yes. With a radio head needle drop.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

I've never oh my god, I fucking slammed my laptop shut. I was so fucking pissed off at that xylophones and beep boops. Xylophones and beep boops. All of the needle drops in this movie upset me, but that one was like made me want to murder a fucking child.

SPEAKER_03 7:23

Well, this soundtrack, I feel like for people of a certain age, was really I mean, I'm assuming, Priscilla, you had this soundtrack, right?

SPEAKER_06 7:32

So, like, I told Dustin, I was like, I love this soundtrack. Like this came out.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Me too. Additude.

SPEAKER_06 7:39

I loved it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

I know, and like later movies have like fucking Bonnie Vare, like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.

SPEAKER_03 7:44

I'm like, those fucking soundtracks kick ass. People were writing songs for these movies. Yeah, yeah. No, Priscilla was taking notes, and I think your first note was like, I had this soundtrail, right? Isn't that like the first thing you read?

SPEAKER_06 7:57

No, that was my second note.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

Oh, the second note, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_06 8:00

My first note was that it was storming so hard when we were watching Twilight, and I was like, this is perfect Twilight weather.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

It was real nice. Oh, it's so cozy. Yes, it was so nice, yeah. Okay, so I gotta tell you, on this rewatch, I've seen this movie I think twice before this. Um I know it's easy to dunk on this movie and this franchise in particular because of the reputation that it had, and I don't want to spend this whole episode just dunking on this movie because I think there is some good stuff in here, but I think the problem is Stephanie Meyer's hands being all over the script. Sure. And the direction is not always up to snuff of what is supposed to be happening. And then my biggest problem is this is like not a movie for about 60% of the runtime. It's just Bella just kind of playing 21 questions with Edward for a long time, and then Edward just gaslighting the shit out of this girl so fucking hard. Two separate Googling montages, also. Why did we need to watch her Google bookstores? That's a good point. But by the time the villain of the movie gets introduced, we're well over an hour into it, and then he's dispatched with I don't know, within like a 15-minute time frame. It's just not a movie.

SPEAKER_06 9:09

Well, it's a bait and switch.

SPEAKER_03 9:11

It really is.

SPEAKER_06 9:11

You gotta get all horned up for yes, so you stick around. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

But then you gotta wait till marriage. You sure do. And the only thing I remember about that that second to last movie is you gotta play chess during your honeymoon. Just lots of chess playing.

SPEAKER_06 9:27

So much chess. I'm impressed that you know what one it was.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Wait, is this considered a horny movie?

SPEAKER_06 9:32

Yes. Well, here's for Mormons.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Well, yeah, right, exactly. Oh my god, what if at the end he's like, we need to wait for marriage? He basically does.

SPEAKER_07 9:41

He does.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Yeah. No, I said, but what if he like as an alternative was like, but we can soak.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

We can have Jacob bounce on the bed for. I'll just spit on your neck. Jacob is a bit of a cuck in this movie, just putting it out there. And his dad's in the cuck chair, which is unfortunate.

unknown 9:57

Oh my god. Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Hey, it's a wheelchair though. It's you know, for the cuck on the go, right?

SPEAKER_03 10:03

For real, for real. We gotta patent that. But no, I think the whole movie is basically like, is it abstinence hard, everybody? Like, man, it just really is tough when you're in your teens. And then, yeah, the fact that it's written by a Mormon that was just so like clearly hoarded up that she's like, Oh, I've got to get this out somewhere. It's right, it's a weird movie when you look at it like from the the macro of like this guy who is a hundred plus years old or whatever is like I'm cons he's like Matthew McConaughey's character in Days of Confusion is like, Man, I keep getting older and they stay the same age. Look at all my graduation camps. Oh, it's so creepy. Yeah, well, and also it's impossible to escape from the Mormonism of it all when you have like this this family that lives and does things their own way. And you may have to leave your family to become a part of their family. Like not a cult. There's a lot of weird traditionalism like rooted in this love story, which is also like it's so weird looking back on this because when these books were coming out, I worked at a borders, and so I was reading all of them. We had like an event for the the first movie coming out. We all went and saw it together. And at the time, there was something kind of exciting about it. And you look back on it now, and you're like, every single line out of this man's mouth is like classic abuser vocabulary. Yeah, it's so wild. No, it's crazy, like on retrospect. Like, because the first time I saw this, I was, I think, the exact wrong demographic, like a uh, you know, maybe like an 18-year-old straight male watching this being like, this is like a very stupid movie, but then it couldn't be me. As a as a 35-year-old guy looking at this, I'm like, oh, this guy is a piece of shit through most of this movie.

SPEAKER_07 11:43

Yeah, very cringy.

SPEAKER_03 11:45

So if you haven't seen Twilight, it's a movie that asks the age old question. Oh God. What if there was a Twilight?

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Wow, low effort.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

And this is uh an incredible achievement because this is episode 222. Oh yeah, hell yeah. And the movie is also two hours and two minutes long.

SPEAKER_07 12:06

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

All right, that's all I got. Let's get into the info tomorrow.

SPEAKER_06 12:19

Really? Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:21

Okay, why why so details?

SPEAKER_06 12:22

I don't know. I just thought it was lame.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

All right, fair. So we're in the same boat. Okay, great. Time has proven you correct, Priscilla. Well, because it was like that that arc of like, oh, the Twilight movies are bad, and then I was then it like went up and it was like, well, making fun of the Twilight movies is like lame and it's outdated. And now it feels like we're maybe coming around the precipice of like, no, these are bad movies and they're lame.

SPEAKER_07 12:47

Oh, I was so in it, but I was also like in a mega church cult. Sure. Like it made sense at the time.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Well, there's also part of that arc is now people our age who watch it and are like, this is lame, but it's it's fun. Like there's something weirdly, there was something weirdly cozy about putting this movie on last night, and I don't know if it was the millennial catnip soundtrack or the fact that I'm looking at a bunch of beautiful faces of actors who have gone on to do much better work. Yeah, what the f like this cast is fucking insane. It's one of my first notes is oh my god, Anna Kendrick's in this? Anna Kendrick forgot she was in Twilight. She sure didn't forgot. There's a great interview where she's like, I wasn't in that. Oh, right. Dude, Peter Fascinelli sachets through that hospital door. Oh my god. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_07 13:36

We had to pause. We were laughing so hard.

SPEAKER_03 13:38

I did too.

SPEAKER_07 13:40

Like, how do you not know this man's a vampire?

SPEAKER_03 13:43

That's the exact same point I made. I was like, how has anyone in this town not put it together that this is a vampire? You look like a Dracula. He only works the night shift. He's like, My name is Dr. Acula, and I'll be uh taking care of you this evening. I only practice bloodless surgery. That's a good point. Like, a doctor is probably the last thing you want to be if you're a guy that's gotta keep your blood frenzy under control, right? Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

God blood frenzy. Oh, nothing about vampires makes fucking sense in this goddamn movie. No. Nope.

SPEAKER_07 14:16

They just sparkle.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

I have so many fucking questions.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

The only like lore that they keep in there is that they want to suck blood. Like they have mirror reflections, they can go out in the daylight. Sort of. They have to have some cloud coverage.

unknown 14:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

There's gotta be an overcast.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

He what he goes into the sun and nothing fucking happens multiple times.

SPEAKER_03 14:37

They gotta have a hell in a bottom carter parasol moment. I think in the second movie, uh, you know, Edward drinks a garlic smoothie, so my is really standing up to how do you remember this? I'm just making a joke.

SPEAKER_06 14:49

Oh, I'm just making a joke.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

I can't remember what a garlic smoothie sounds like an immediate trip to Dr. Colon here in the ER. I mean, you know, I'd try it.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

I'd find out.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

So the year is 2008. The director is Catherine Hardwick, who has directed some TV episodes on shows like This Is Us, uh, Guillermo do Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities, and Hell on Wheels, but also directed the very cool movie in my mind, Lords of Dogtown. Hell yeah. Love Lords of Dogtown.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Wait, so this and The Dark Knight came out in the same fucking year. Oh, what the hell?

SPEAKER_03 15:23

Yeah. And Robert Pattinson looked at Christian Bale and was like, I want to do that instead. How do I get one of those? Does it come in black? Yeah. Uh this film stars, this is so funny. Again, I go by Roger Ebert's Billing. Uh-huh. Nikki Reed, Callan Lutz, Billy Burke, Ashley Green, Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, and Kristen Stewart billed last. I think that's funny. Wow. The budget was $37 million, and it managed to grow $409 million worldwide. Oh my god. Currently sits at a 48% on Rot Tomatoes and was the winner of five MTV movie awards, including Best Movie, Best Female Performance for Kristen Stewart, Best Breakthrough Male Performance for Robert Pattinson, Best Kiss, get the fuck out of here, Best Fight, also get the fuck out of here. And it was nominated for Best Breakthrough Male Performance for Taylor Lautner. Wow. What? Okay. And Best Song for Paramours Decode. Which doesn't play in the movie, right? No. Like there's another Paramour song that plays in the movie. I think it's the second closing credit song because there's that Chester Bennington track first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Up top, we should talk about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, right? Like actors who have gone on to be quite good at doing absolutely terrible work in this movie.

SPEAKER_07 16:50

Like they're both so bad.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Yes, Personal Shopper is such a fucking great movie. If you haven't seen it, it's maybe my favorite Kristen Stewart performance. And of course, Robert Pattinson is just like banger after banger, it seems. Yeah, and it just feels like they weren't. Well, first of all, Kristen Stewart was like 17 when they made this movie. So like she's barely, you know, uh figured out what her approach to acting is, and then she's kind of thrust into the lead role of this huge blockbuster. And then Yeah, Robert Pattinson just seems bored of the material the whole time. And I fucking wonder why. Right. But he like he's a guy who's so activated by weird scripts that I just I was like, I wish do a weird voice, do a Mickey 17 voice, do something in this movie. He is kind of playing a fucked up weird little guy in this thing, honestly. There are moments where he's like kind of looking up, like he's kinda like glowering, but the scene where he says, Hello, I forgot to introduce myself the other day, which made me laugh so hard.

SPEAKER_07 17:51

Well, and I think he was just weirded out by like women finding this character attractive. Like I remember reading interviews where he's like, What I'm doing is not cool. Like you shouldn't like that.

SPEAKER_03 18:03

I tell you, I like watching you sleep. There's that, but also like he was much like Daniel Craig when he was announced as Bond, was scrutinized so intensely for his looks. Oh, sure. Like people were like, he does not fit the role at all. He's got a weird nose, or his his jaw is too protruding. Like he went through like such a weird body dysmorphic. What we're gonna talk about this man's jawline like it's not perfect. Are you kidding? I know, I know. No wonder he played Batman. Look at that thing. He looks like handsome Squidward. He sure does. It's so funny because like I think about like the Harry Potter trio. Like it feels like in movies like this, like there's always two that sort of go on to do more interesting things, then one that kind of gets left behind. Because, like, you know, um Emma Watson was like on the verge of doing interesting stuff, but then like kind of just fell off. And in this one, Taylor Lautner doesn't really do much like after the Twilight stuff. Like he does like cameos and little things where he does like that uh was it Antoine Fouquet?

SPEAKER_01 19:04

He married a woman named Taylor, then they had a child named Taylor, right?

SPEAKER_03 19:07

So I mean that you know that's something that that is the best thing he's ever done. I love that. Yeah, he did that uh that John Singleton movie. John Singleton, that's who I'm thinking of, yes. Oh yeah, they tried to make him an action star for a bit, yes. And then he did that Gary Marshall movie, was it Valentine's Day? Yeah, I think so. Like kind of vanished, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 19:26

Didn't he also date Taylor Swift? Yeah, did he exclusively only date women named Taylor?

SPEAKER_03 19:31

Oh my god. I if that's the case, it's a great bit. I gotta tell you.

SPEAKER_06 19:34

How do you not know him from Spy Kids? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

Our mistake. Was he in Spy Kids also?

SPEAKER_06 19:39

Yeah, he had his own movie.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_06 19:41

He's Shark Boy. It was Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

SPEAKER_03 19:44

Oh, was Hugh Jackman in that? Yeah, was Hugh Jackman in that one too. So before we get into the trail, I do want to say uh I read Roger Ebert's written review. I know they reviewed it on at the movies, but I don't think the clip is available to watch anywhere right now. But there's some pretty good gems in this. He gave this two and a half out of four stars. Okay. And he was talking about Bella and Everett's relationship, and he said, Should a woman fall in love with a man because he desires her so much? Men seem to think so. It's not about the woman, it's about the man's desire. And I'm like, that that kind of sums it up pretty fucking well, I think. That's how the movie frames it. Yeah. And he says, What is Twilight really about? It's about a teenage boy trying to practice abstinence and how, in the heat of the moment, it's really, really hard. He's not wrong. And then this is so funny. He says, Why do girls always prefer the distant, aloof, handsome, dangerous dudes instead of cheerful chaps like me? I'm like, oh, Roger's getting a little bit celly on this thing. Okay. Wow. Roger Ebert, who had been married like 30 years before the time that review came out. I know. And then he also at one point refers to the idea of Edward biting Bella as a fang job. I think that's very funny. Huh. It's like a true blood line. And then at the end of the review, there's a footnote, and he says, You should go see Let the Right One In instead of this.

unknown 20:57

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

Lastly, I I happened to, because I searched Twilight and I clicked on the first result, and it turns out it was the review for New Moon instead. And I have to read you the first line of that because it's great. He says, The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan.

SPEAKER_07 21:15

There's a lot of moaning.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Yeah, because New Moon is basically just Bella like fixing a motorcycle for an hour and a half, and then there's like some stuff that happens at the end of it.

SPEAKER_07 21:24

She's just sad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Is that the second one?

SPEAKER_07 21:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 21:28

Okay. I was gonna say, isn't it the one where it's like Bella's Italian vacation or something like that? I don't know much. I haven't seen it.

SPEAKER_07 21:34

Like the last 20 minutes, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:35

Yeah, the third act is basically the Hannah Montana movie. Oh my god. Or no, the Lizzie McGuire movie where they go to Italy.

SPEAKER_07 21:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

All right. Uh okay, so before we watch the trailer, if you want to make a cocktail at home, I think the drink of the film is pretty obvious. Blood. It's a bloody Mary. I fucking hate Bloody Marys. Me too.

SPEAKER_07 21:53

I do too. I don't I don't love them at all.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

I love 'em. I love a Bloody Mary.

SPEAKER_07 21:56

I love them too.

SPEAKER_03 21:57

Yeah, Priscilla loves a Bloody Mary. She's so good.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

I love spicy and I love alcohol, but I don't like them together.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

Alright, well let's revisit this trailer. And it's almost as long as the movie, it looks like, just by looking at this runtime.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

Why does it start out like a fucking like Fellowship of the Ring trailer?

SPEAKER_03 22:19

It sure does. That's exactly what I was thinking. Every shot of Jasper makes me laugh. Dude, god damn it, we gotta talk about Jasper.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Also, I love that she gets sent to the hospital after that car wreck scene. They're like, your vitals are good. I'm like, nothing fucking happened to her. Yeah, no shit. She didn't get a hit.

SPEAKER_07 22:41

She's fine.

SPEAKER_08 22:44

Strong. You gotta give me some answers.

SPEAKER_03 22:46

I'm Batman. Batman and Superman fucking around.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm bad guy? You're just gonna kill away an ice cream.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Recreating the cover art. I was like, was that supposed to be his like Toby Maguire Spider-Man moment?

SPEAKER_03 23:11

That is exactly what I said. Priscilla goes, no, that's the book cover, and I was like, I think that it's a low column A, low call of me. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

This kind of stuff just doesn't exist. I just want to try one thing.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

My whole world is tops of trees. That mustache is incredible. Fuck, he's so cool. Boy, they're doing real shitty cheats on these this dialogue. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:48

He's never gonna stop.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

He's never gonna stop. If he was doing a Tommy Wazoa impression this whole movie, maybe plus one star. Also, I for I forgot goddamn Mr. Terrifics in this movie. Eddie Gathiki doing great work for like two minutes of screen time. Who has not aged in like 20 years? He looks amazing.

unknown 24:10

But not stronger.

SPEAKER_03 24:12

I'm strong enough to kill you.

SPEAKER_06 24:16

This music. I don't remember this trailer at all. No.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Did he say you're my wife now? God. My wife. Oh, we got we should point out, Nathan. I love the shirt, by the way. Oh yeah. I got the uh Twilight Run shirt. Found it at Target. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_07 24:34

I had that poster on my wall in my dorm. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

I had it too, had a lot of kissy marks built into it. You would throw darts at Kristen's tour and go, he's mine.

SPEAKER_07 24:46

He's mine.

SPEAKER_03 24:47

God. So yeah, this is uh one of Summit Entertainment's like first big pictures, I think. I think they like my understanding was MTV was gonna make this thing, but the director they had in mind wanted like a hundred million dollars for the budget, and they're like, Yeah. And so some entertainment came in there and yeah, gave them like about 50 mil to make this thing, and they're like, We're gonna just make it the book. It's just the book. So if you haven't read the book, good luck. Yeah. That's so apparent because there's so much stuff in this movie that's introduced that is so clearly like, well, we'll get to that in the next movie that has no bearing on this movie at all. And a lot of like omniscient narration, like it really felt like we were watching the 50 Shades movie again in some spots. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's that's clear parallels there because it's a yeah, yeah. If you don't know, that's what Fifty Shades is. It's Twilight Fanfic, basically. Oh right.

SPEAKER_06 25:34

It makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

Makes sense, yeah. It makes total sense. So Bella is moving from Phoenix, Arizona, where she lives with her mom and stepdad to live with her dad in Twin Peaks. Sorry. Forks. I love that like the way we know for sure that Bella is in Phoenix, Arizona, is this little potted cactus. She's just walking around.

SPEAKER_07 25:51

She's just holding it.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Taking a cactus with me.

SPEAKER_04 25:54

I know this movie was gonna be bullshit immediately because she's like, I'm gonna miss Arizona. No one misses living in fucking Phoenix, Arizona.

SPEAKER_06 26:00

That's exactly what I said.

SPEAKER_03 26:03

But my question is, why does Phoenix, Arizona look exactly as cold as Forks Washington does? Well, yeah, this whole movie has that blue filter over it. Yeah, the contrast and the saturation are turned up to 11 in this thing. Like that's what we were doing at this time.

SPEAKER_09 26:17

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 26:18

So, like, her mom just like abandons her, huh? I know her mom is such a piece of shit in this movie.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

Don't they change the filter, the blue to orange filter every movie?

SPEAKER_03 26:29

Yeah, something like that. Like, they slap a new Instagram filter on it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:33

But like, it's it's so weird because like when we get to Edward, I thought he was wearing lipstick for a lot of the movie because his lips are bright red and then his face is pale white. And I'm like, I know he's supposed to be a vampire, but goddamn.

SPEAKER_07 26:44

It's all that blood.

SPEAKER_03 26:46

He's just juicy. I want to tell you guys. Uh so yeah, Bella travels up to uh to Forks, Washington. She's staying with her dad, and uh, she runs into her old childhood friend Jacob and his dad, and I'm just like, oh my god. I had like a jump scare moment, like with Rory Kaneer. I was like, ah, long-haired Taylor Lautner. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 27:04

Are you just a hater?

SPEAKER_03 27:05

I'm a hater. We used to make mud pies when we were little. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Shouldn't have left such a big mud pie, Bella. I grew up white trash as fuck, and even I don't know what a fucking mud pie is.

SPEAKER_03 27:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 27:18

I do.

SPEAKER_03 27:20

I didn't play in the fucking dirt as a kid, sorry.

SPEAKER_06 27:23

Unique experience. You grew up in like Alabama.

SPEAKER_01 27:26

I know. I know. Well, see, that's the issue. I was a dirt kid. I wasn't fucking with like wet dirt. I kept my shit dry.

SPEAKER_03 27:34

So to recap, speed buggy is for poor kids, but you did make mud pies. Mud pies are a luxury. Are a luxury. But can someone tell me what a fucking mud pie is?

SPEAKER_07 27:44

It's mud is the name of the pie. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:46

That's literally it. That's the beginning and end of it, Mal.

SPEAKER_06 27:49

I can't believe that you guys made concoctions as a kid. I made concoctions, but I was potions.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

Oh, yeah, I would do potions. Yeah, I was like mixing like windicks and bleach. I was almost making mustard gas in my house. I would pour like Dr. Pepper in a cup and then pour it into the other cup because I saw like a witch do it in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

SPEAKER_07 28:08

Yeah, I'd have like a cup of water with some twigs and leaves in it and be like, drink this potion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:13

Potion.

SPEAKER_07 28:14

Potion.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Also, I just want to point out the clear police corruption in this town. Oh, yeah. Because the chief of police is using his squad car for personal trips.

SPEAKER_03 28:25

I want to see him do any police work in this movie. Because he just kind of just seems to show up when he's like, Where am I? I'm drunk. Yeah. What time is it?

SPEAKER_06 28:32

He's got the mustache. That's all the police work.

SPEAKER_03 28:35

You're right. You're right. Right. Every time there's a murder, he's like, Yeah, I guess someone else died. I don't fucking know. I don't know what to do. And then Charlie, throughout the whole movie, there's constant scenes of people telling Bella he missed you so fucking much. He's so sad that you're not in his life, and he can't talk to her about it. He's like, I guess. I think Billy Burke is quietly giving the best performance in the movie. 100%. Oh, I love this scene where he like fights the paraplegic. Yeah, I was like, they they bring this truck over, uh, Jacob and his and his uh what, his uncle or his dad? Yeah, I think. And they drop off this truck and they're like, hey, this is Bella's birthday present. And I'm like, how are you getting back to the reservation? Yeah, because Jacob jumping on the back of Billy's wheelchair. So I thought I recognized this dad actor. This is Gil Birmingham, but I look at his filmography and I don't really recognize anything on there. However, he's been in a ton of shit. Well, he has, but not as not really anything that stood out to me. However, there is something that's a pretty great connection to last episode. Oh boy. Because he is in House, the second story. Oh yeah. He's also so good on uh Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Yes. Really, really funny on that show.

SPEAKER_06 29:50

I thought he was dead the whole time.

SPEAKER_03 29:51

Yeah, for someone's like, he died, right? I'm like, I don't I don't know, I don't think so. I thought he had passed as well, but no, he's still he's still going. He's still around, still wheeling himself around forks looking for a ride. Wait, so he's in like Wind River and shit, though.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

You haven't seen that? I might have and just don't recall. He voices someone in fucking X-Men 97. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:10

That I did recognize, yes. Yeah. So Bella is starting her first day at her new high school, and she meets Eric and a bunch of other people, like Anna Kendrick and some creepy other guys. She's bummed about starting school in the middle of the semester, and then like seven people just walk up to her on her first day and they're like, We are your friend group. Maybe the supporting characters for this movie. Yeah. Never made Francis easy.

SPEAKER_05 30:32

That's most of the movie is people going, Hey, you remember me? No, I don't.

SPEAKER_03 30:37

I kind of fuck with Eric though. I don't. This guy's calling her baby from the first conversation. I do not care for Eric.

SPEAKER_07 30:44

Yeah, he's a creep.

SPEAKER_01 30:45

Well, okay, sorry. I fucked with Eric until they when they were like, oh, he's straight. And I was like, oh, now it's weird. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

I mean, his his wardrobe in this first scene is such a statement. You're wearing a tie to school and you got the Gerard Way haircut.

SPEAKER_08 30:59

Those the tie. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_03 31:00

It's such a statement, though. Yeah. No, he looks like he's in cute as what we aimed for. Yes. I knew I didn't like Eric the first time he said chillax. And I said, I want to kill myself right here in front of you to alter the trajectory of your life. I want to change who you are, fundamentally.

SPEAKER_07 31:16

The dialogue is so bad.

SPEAKER_03 31:18

But everyone just swarms this girl like day one. Like, hey, you're that girl from Arizona, right? Hey, babe, but like, Jesus Christ, leave this girl alone.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

Babe, I'm Anachendrick. Wait, hang on. We kind of glossed over it, but how does she so she when she gets in the truck, she has to ask which one's the clutch? Yes. And then has no fucking problems driving it. Yep.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

That's what I said. That's hard.

SPEAKER_03 31:40

He says you have to like double pump it, too. Yeah, you do.

SPEAKER_06 31:43

He knows what's up.

SPEAKER_03 31:44

No, I can't drive anything that's not an automatic. My my dad fully gave up teaching me how to drive a stick shift. I was able to ride my motorcycle, but you put me in a car that's uh that's a stick shift. I'm like, I have no idea what any of this does. All right.

SPEAKER_01 31:58

Dustin got to mention his motorcycle this season. I almost watched Dustin die on his motorcycle.

SPEAKER_03 32:03

It was awesome.

SPEAKER_06 32:04

That was the worst time of my life.

SPEAKER_03 32:07

Did you wear the short shorts on the motorcycle? I did at least once. This was like a whole period of your life. Yes, he fucking did.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

What do you mean? I'm still rocking them. I'm wearing them right now. Hell yeah, brother. When DC told me he was getting a motorcycle, I was like, Oh, you gonna wear your short shorts? He was like, No, I'm gonna wear like full gear and everything. Like, I'm gonna be super safe. Yeah. I did for a little while. Cut to like three months later, I see him roll up to the bar in just the shortest shorts I've ever fucking seen.

SPEAKER_06 32:32

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 32:33

I needed to be aerodynamic, man. That stuff was weighing me down.

SPEAKER_06 32:36

I said, get that life insurance.

SPEAKER_03 32:38

Yeah. But also, you're not gonna go to a bar in full biker stuff because then you look lame as fuck. You look like an asshole. You're gonna fucking fuck around with my helm in my hand.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Oh, and you're telling me he didn't look like an asshole in his short shorts carrying his fucking helmet around the bar?

SPEAKER_03 32:53

Fair point. This is a good time to mention I have a pair of shorts that Ashley calls my DC shorts that I'm allowed to wear out of the house. Oh, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_07 33:01

They're so short.

SPEAKER_03 33:02

They're way too short. Oh no, Ashley loves it. Wait, pause. Can we get a pick? Absolutely not.

SPEAKER_07 33:12

Next time he's wearing a yeah, we'll get a pick. Oh, we'll get a pick.

SPEAKER_03 33:15

We'll post it on the Patreon too.

SPEAKER_01 33:17

Ashley, I'm counting on you. I'm in desperate need of a new phone background.

SPEAKER_03 33:23

So Bella gets introduced to the college and their whole crew, and Anna Kendrick says they're all together, like together, together. And I'm like, that's wait, so they're fucking? Thank God they all walk in in slow motion, though.

SPEAKER_07 33:36

Right? And they all are like coordinating their outfits.

SPEAKER_03 33:38

Yep. And then she says Alice is with Jasper, the one who looks like he's in pain. And I'm like, they all look like they're in pain. Yeah. She also says Dr. Cullen is like a foster dad/slash matchmaker. And I'm like, okay, so he's David Koresh. Yeah. What are we like? We are not accepting that this man is just like a cult leader in the woods. Yeah, burn their house down right now. The better way to describe Jasper be like, he's the one that's mouth breathing all the time for some reason. He's just like wide-eyed, pursed lips, like constantly. This was what Ashley pointed out, like, this looks like a Saturday night live sketch. Like when you're making fun of like a YA movie, it looks like this.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Well, that's the thing. I think a Saturday night live sketch would look better. You might be right. Probably. Wait, oh, that was the moment where he sits at the table.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

Robert Panton just mogging this entire scene. Just like he's he's looks maxing, as the kids say nowadays, this entire thing. The fuck does that mean?

SPEAKER_07 34:34

I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_03 34:36

I do like his smirk when he hears Anna Kendrick say nobody here's good enough for him. Like I it's like one of the one moments where he's like, haha, I'm cool. Dude, when she walks into that fucking classroom, god damn it. This is so funny because it's it's played like a super intense romantic moment, like where her hair's blowing in the wind, but then you're like, wait, they're in a they're in a classroom.

SPEAKER_01 34:57

Yeah, and there's just a big fan.

SPEAKER_05 34:58

And then you just see the big fan behind him.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

Yeah. That's a big fan. It's good. Dude, and he looks at her and just is like, I'm gonna come. Like, dude gets the full, like Michael Myers like piss shivers and just busts.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

But he's holding his nose like she's stinky. She smells like shit. She smells like Mary Lou with that stink bomb all over her. I have to ask this. Priscilla Ashley, if a man looked at you the way Edward looks at Bella right here in this scene, how would you feel?

SPEAKER_07 35:35

I take my clothes off. Am I 17 or am I 38?

SPEAKER_03 35:41

Let's let's say, let's say now, like if you're not married, you're not in a relationship, and you see a guy that you're like, oh, he's handsome, and then he goes, Take that back. Don't you put that evil on me, Dustin?

SPEAKER_01 35:53

Like Nathan walks into the kitchen right next to the big industrial fan you guys have in your kitchen, and I look like I'm silently beatboxing. He's wearing his shorts.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

I mean, what's happening? I mean, you gotta feel like I I love that she sits down and she smells her hair. Like, maybe I do smell like shit. Yeah. It's just so funny. It's so I mean, I get it. Like, later on, they're like, oh man, you're just so yummy. Yeah, you smell so fucking good, but like that is that is not the reaction he's giving here.

SPEAKER_07 36:23

He seems like he's like you smell like a fart from a butt.

SPEAKER_03 36:28

And that fan is blowing it right in my fucking face.

SPEAKER_02 36:31

Also, why is there a big industrial?

SPEAKER_03 36:36

Like it looks like it's 50 degrees outside.

SPEAKER_06 36:38

God air circulation.

SPEAKER_03 36:40

Gotta gotta circulate Bella's blood smell across the room.

SPEAKER_06 36:44

Blood smell.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

Also, why's he got like two shots of vodka just on the fucking table?

SPEAKER_03 36:48

Like, brother. I also feel like that shot of the wings behind him like fueled Emerald Fennel's entire career. Yeah. Yes. That shit made me laugh so hard.

SPEAKER_07 36:59

It's so funny.

SPEAKER_03 37:01

Look at this. Look at this.

SPEAKER_07 37:03

He's her dark angel. He's just fucking staring at her.

SPEAKER_03 37:08

God, it's so funny that he just like for the whole class where he just stared at this girl and he's like, I don't know if I want to vomit or cum. I don't know what I want to do right now. Puke out of my dick.

SPEAKER_06 37:18

Mendy, they'd be yearning more.

SPEAKER_03 37:20

I that's that's my question. Is this yearning? Absolutely. Wait, wait, but wait, wait, wait, wait. Because then he goes to his his guidance counselor's like, I gotta change classes right the fuck now. Does yearning involve coming in your genes? I don't think sometimes sometimes. We'd have to ask the Lonely Island crew. Nathan, I think you're yearning wrong, man. Look, I don't know. I don't know. I've said on this podcast I played the Lawn game. So like sometimes sometimes yearning works, guys. Okay. All right. I feel like you yearned differently than Edward, though. You gotta you gotta learn if you want to yearn. Don't like that. What I don't like is that this man at the diner shows up. Oh yeah. Charlie and Bella go to the diner. This guy, who by the way, is the dude who replaces Bella Lagosi in Tim Burton's Ed Wood, is the chiropractor. Yep. He says, I used to play Santa. You would sit on my lap, and then he says, I'm butt crack Santa. Oh. And everyone laughs, and there's no explanation. I'm like, can we explain?

SPEAKER_07 38:19

And then he says, the kids always love these little bottles. And I'm like, what the fuck is he saying?

SPEAKER_03 38:24

Am I having a stroke watching this scene? Why is nothing connecting?

SPEAKER_02 38:28

Like everyone in this movie wants to fuck Bella, and it's so upsetting. You're not wrong.

SPEAKER_06 38:35

That's a small town vibe.

SPEAKER_03 38:38

Oh, there's a new person. It's concerning. Well, he's like, I feel like I made an impression, right? And I'm like, probably not, dude. If you have to reintroduce yourself.

SPEAKER_06 38:47

I think it's innocent.

SPEAKER_03 38:48

This is the worst fake catch-up player I've ever seen in my fucking life.

SPEAKER_07 38:53

Oh my god, it's terrible.

SPEAKER_03 38:54

She does it twice. Dude, like she doesn't know how to do anything in this. Look at this catch up, first of all. Who shakes a squeeze bottle? Nothing comes out. But then that happens a lot throughout this movie because then there's a scene later on where like Anakin Kendrick is soaking up some Rays and there's some guys in the background playing hacky sack. Yeah. There is no ball being played. They're just kind of miming hacky sack. They're just hackying. They're just hackying.

SPEAKER_07 39:15

There's no sackying. There's no sack.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

There's a part where like they're driving into town at the beginning into Forks, and there's an 18-wheeler that just drives by. There is not a driver in the driver's seat. It's just a ghost. It's like maximum overdrive.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Hell yeah. That's an odd thing to fake.

SPEAKER_03 39:31

Uh-huh. Let's see if I can find it. I think it's right here.

SPEAKER_06 39:34

I want to move here.

SPEAKER_03 39:34

Yeah, this shit looks cozy as hell. If it does.

SPEAKER_06 39:37

I want to be anywhere but Florida. Please help me.

SPEAKER_01 39:40

I do want that bear statue.

SPEAKER_06 39:42

Look! Look at this! Oh, there's something in there. There ain't nobody in that fucking driver's seat.

SPEAKER_01 39:45

Oh my god. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 39:48

Ghost truck. Oh, well, that's that's the He's on his way to do Final Destination. Exactly. That's death. God. God, this movie fucking sucks. I'm on Bella's side. She should ask Edward what his fucking problem is when he comes back to class. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:03

He's gonna be all bricked up.

unknown 40:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 40:06

And then you'll know.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

I honestly thought this was kind of an impressive little stunt here where Bella is walking out of her house and she slips on the ice. Yeah. I thought that was pretty good, actually.

SPEAKER_07 40:15

She's just so clumsy.

SPEAKER_03 40:17

I read that she had to like put like butt padding in her jeans or something like that. And like I was reading this interview with Kristen Stewart where she said it was like her idea and not like anyone on the crew, and I was like, thank God. That looks like it sucks. Yeah. Really, I mean, look, a lot of people clowned on Kristen Stewart at this time saying, Oh, she's a bad actress. Look at all her twitches and her mannerisms. I'm like, no. She is terrible in this movie. But it's not her, it's the direction.

SPEAKER_05 40:40

I think she's doing exactly what she's being told.

SPEAKER_03 40:43

Like, she doesn't really have those ticks now in her performances, but I think she has to sigh, bite her lip, and shake her head like George Clooney every time she says a line. Like it has a stroke. Yeah. I don't think it's her fault, though. I think this is like the same with Robert Pattinson. I think this is the direction they're kind of given. She's also a young actor. She's 17 here. Yeah, she's also grown into like her power. Because, like you said, personal shopper, she's great. She's incredible in underwater. Yeah. That I don't think enough people have seen. It's a pretty good movie. But yeah, here it's just like, I don't know what you're doing, girl. I gotta say though, when she walks back into this science lab, my eyes lit up because I realized, oh, there's a vote for Prom Queen going on. I was like, man, Kelly is just stalking these halls.

SPEAKER_09 41:23

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:24

And then she says to Robert Panson, because he comes back and he's like, oh, sorry, I had to go away for a few days, family shit. Yeah. And then she says, I don't really like the rain. Any cold, wet thing. I'm like, boy, you picked the perfect state to move to. She's gonna hate his penis. Well, you and Anakin should swap places. Maybe you get something better out of it. I don't know. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

Wait, is this movie better if Hayden Christensen plays her role? I think it's funnier.

SPEAKER_07 41:50

Her role? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 41:51

Stephanie Meyer wanted Henry Cavill for the Kristen Stewart role? For Edward. Oh. I wish. Yes, for the Kristen Stewart role. This is my personal hell because obviously we find out, you know, Edward's a vampire. Yeah. And he's just repeating high school over and over.

SPEAKER_07 42:07

Right? It's so dumb.

SPEAKER_03 42:09

You're learning the same lessons every day. Could you imagine? This movie's about a family of Mormon pedophiles. Yes! Like, could you imagine this? I mean, I gotta look at this microscope at this onion cell for the 17th time this week. Like, god damn, this would suck. And he's like so condescending, he's like, gotta check her work between every slide. Wait, so do they like do they move every four years? That's what they say. They say they're transient, and yeah, they keep moving it. That's why he has that wall of graduation caps when we go to their house later.

SPEAKER_01 42:43

Okay, because at first I thought he was just repeating this same high school over and over. I'm like, someone's gonna notice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:49

No, they they say they move around, but I'm like, also, he could probably pass for like, I don't know, 19 and get a job in like a diner or something. Like you don't have to keep going back to school. You could be homeschooled, you don't have to do this.

SPEAKER_07 43:01

Why would you want to?

SPEAKER_03 43:03

I know, right? Well, because he's on the prowl for young teenage girls. It's like why, yeah, why is the doctor the only one with a fucking job? Right. That's the thing. Like, they don't have to be public-facing if they don't want to. I know. Yeah, so they kind of connect here, but it's like for some reason they both are just like, no, I don't know. I don't I don't really like you, I don't really want to be around you, but I am curious. Like wait, do you like bread?

SPEAKER_01 43:26

I mean, he manages to get through this conversation without coming, so that's a step forward.

SPEAKER_03 43:30

That is true. And then, yeah, this is uh the pivotal scene where Bella's out in the in the parking lot and a car almost runs into her, and uh yeah, Edward steps in at the last minute and and saves her. He looks at her and he's like, uh I I I gotta I gotta go. Yeah, you didn't see a fucking thing.

SPEAKER_06 43:46

This is where the gaslighting starts.

SPEAKER_03 43:49

Yeah, he said, I was standing right next to you, Bella. No one's ever gonna fucking believe you. That line was crazy. No one's ever gonna believe you.

SPEAKER_07 43:57

Gosh, it's so hot.

SPEAKER_03 43:58

And then he pulls at JD Vance and says, Says, can't you just thank me and get over it? Dude, when Dr. Calden walks into this fucking room, this shit is so fucking funny. He looks so he's got a cunty little swish to his walk. Every time I watch this movie, he looks crazier than I remember him looking.

SPEAKER_07 44:17

Nathan just yelled, You're a Dracula! Like you are a Dracula.

SPEAKER_03 44:21

He looks like Albert Wesker in the first game, right? This is so fucking crazy. Also, no one's like, Yeah, and they look exactly like their foster dad. They all have the same fucked up skin and weird hair. Right. And they're weird beady eyes. God. But he literally like busts open. I laughed so hard. He busts open the door. He's like, hey Charlie, what's up? We're gonna check out your daughter. Like, look at my fingi. I gotta tell you, I love him in this movie. I love Peter Fasodelli. He's great.

SPEAKER_01 44:48

He just looks insane. His hair, admittedly, majestic.

SPEAKER_03 44:53

Oh, dude, he's such an attractive guy. Even under all this makeup, it's insane. And then, yeah, that's when Bella's like, hey Edward, so uh, what was up with the super strength and the super speed? Are you like the flash or something? He was like, Get the fuck out of here, Bella.

SPEAKER_07 45:04

He's like, shut up, don't talk to me.

SPEAKER_03 45:07

That's why we can't have sex. My cum will enter the speed force. We can't do it. Have you seen Hancock? I think it came out this year, Bella. It's not good. It's not good.

SPEAKER_07 45:16

I love when they all look at her in the hallway. They're all like, eh. When she turns around.

SPEAKER_03 45:21

Yep. And the Priscilla, you made this this note that like when he talks to her in in this first half of the movie, he acts like he's hangry but horny. He's like hornry. Horngree.

SPEAKER_07 45:31

He's horn gry. He's just hangry. That's what I love it.

SPEAKER_03 45:35

And then uh yeah, they go on a field trip to a like recycling plant. Sure. Yeah, this is just weird because Edward, like, he's like, uh, you know, we shouldn't be friends. But he's like eavesdropping on her.

SPEAKER_06 45:46

It's a nursery.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_06 45:49

He looks like a nursery.

SPEAKER_01 45:50

I love in that conversation where he's like he's trying to explain his adrenaline power. Yeah. He's like, it's very common. You can Google it. Yep. Like, really? That's the dialogue we chose, huh? That tells me that he Googled that the night before. He's like, yeah, this is what I'll tell her. 100%.

SPEAKER_03 46:05

It's Googlable.

SPEAKER_06 46:07

Gonna say relevant kids.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

Yeah. Just like his penis.

SPEAKER_03 46:12

I just, I just really love that. He's like, yeah, we shouldn't be fridge. And I'm screaming at the TV. I agree. You guys should not be anywhere near one another.

SPEAKER_01 46:20

No. I love that little bit right there. He's like, you can at least learn to look where you're walking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 46:24

What the fuck? Like, he sucks.

SPEAKER_03 46:26

Well, he also like bumps into a girl that is different from the girl that we cut to in a different shot. Like it's such a weird editing goof right here. I laughed so hard when she is trying to talk to him. And uh is it Alice asks, Hey Bella, are you gonna be riding with us? Edward goes, No, our bus is full.

SPEAKER_06 46:44

How do you yeah, how does he even know? There's like four people on the bus.

SPEAKER_03 46:47

He's the first one to get on the bus. He bangs on the door to get in. He's such a dick. And then Bella's dad is besides the day drinking, he's got a real problem with his taste buds because he's got a giant thing of Nestle water on his fucking cabinet.

SPEAKER_06 47:01

Or then she's like, I'll just drink the sink water.

SPEAKER_03 47:03

Right? He's trying so hard to connect with her. Like he's like, Oh, your mom seems happy. Uh her new husband seems like a nice guy, and she's just like, fuck off, dad. I've got high school things to deal with. He doesn't know how to connect with her because she's not a six-pack before 8 a.m. So chief of police, everybody. And then there's this scene where yeah, they're all talking about like all the Bella's friends are talking about going to this lake. And I'm like, I I don't like any one of her friends except for maybe Anna Kendrick. Like all her friends suck.

SPEAKER_01 47:31

I will say, I I perked up during this part because I was like, oh my god, we're about to get surf Dracula. Yeah. We didn't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 47:38

It's the ocean. It's not a lake.

SPEAKER_03 47:40

Yeah. They call it a lake, and it is the ocean. You're right.

SPEAKER_06 47:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:43

It's absolutely the ocean. And then she acts like like she's such a shitty friend. Like she she's constantly blowing off these people who are trying to connect with her. Like the girls invite her dress shopping, and she's just like, fuck you. I just want to go to a bookstore. She's so unpleasant. To be fair, to me, I would also want to go to the bookstore. Sure. She's got to buy that Rush Limbaugh book that's on display after that scene.

SPEAKER_09 48:08

I saw that, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:09

But like, this is the part that infuriates me the most because Bella's just trying to get food, and then Edward approaches her and he's like, You should stay away from me.

SPEAKER_05 48:16

I'm like, motherfucker, you came up to her!

SPEAKER_03 48:18

Well, he says, I only said it'd be better if we weren't friends. Not that I don't want to be, but if you're smart, you'll stay away from me. I'm like, boy, what are you doing? He's calling her a dipshit. I think I've texted that sentence to Nathan before. That's true. He interrupts her. Like, the business here is so funny because she's at the salad bar and she's just neatly arranging her little corns. It made me laugh really hard.

SPEAKER_07 48:39

Oh my corns.

SPEAKER_03 48:40

And then we have we get the Spider-Man moment where he like kicks an apple up off the floor that she drops and catches it. Yeah. Five second rule, baby. And then Bella and her friends go to some beach to surf, and Bella invites Edward, but he stands her up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 48:55

Which is is surfing a big thing in Washington? I didn't know that. I didn't either.

SPEAKER_03 48:59

I would think so. I would think anywhere that's on the coast, you know, there's probably surfers. It seems cold. Well, they got the the the wetsuits. I'm sure it keeps them warm, right? Still seems cold. Oh, I don't disagree. I wouldn't be doing it, but I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_07 49:11

I would not do it.

SPEAKER_03 49:12

No.

SPEAKER_07 49:13

I simply would not.

SPEAKER_03 49:14

It's 65 outside right now, and I needed a little blanket this morning.

SPEAKER_07 49:17

Oh, yeah, Nathan woke up so cold.

SPEAKER_01 49:20

Oh, poor little bud. Shut up. Oh, little baby. I love it when Ashley's here.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

So Jacob shows up and tells Bella the history of his tribe that they descended from wolves, supposedly. Yeah. And Edward's ancestors hunted on their land a long time ago. Dude, the flashback? Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_07 49:42

The outfit.

SPEAKER_03 49:42

Oh my god, they're all wearing like meh see outfits.

SPEAKER_01 49:47

It's like, eh, you're good, kid, real good. But as long as I'm around, you're always gonna be second best.

SPEAKER_07 49:52

Oh, it's my favorite. It's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

Yeah, that accent needs to fucking come back. It's so good. I'm trying. I'm trying. Me and my wife were watching like a mob documentary the other day. His wife. Every single person talked like that.

SPEAKER_02 50:04

I'm like, fuck, yes, this is the best. Why did that go away?

SPEAKER_03 50:09

So the two tribes make a pact where like Jacob's ancestors and Edward's ancestors won't, you know, hunt each other down so long as Edward's tribe doesn't hunt on Jacob tribe's land anymore, and they won't tell the normies that they're actually vampires and so on and so on. And then this is where we I think well, we have that one scene earlier where like the guy, the construction guy at the power plant or whatever gets killed. But this is where we, I guess, sort of get introduced to the villains of the movie. These three roaming vampires, these quote unquote like actual vampires. This is where they kill butt crack Santa.

SPEAKER_01 50:45

This and Halloween just killing uh electrical plant employees. That's right. But I'm trying to have shit with me.

SPEAKER_03 50:56

Oh man. No, that this is so funny. Like these these van First of all, the effects of these vampires the speed ramping effect is so bad.

SPEAKER_01 51:04

But they're not actually moving any faster than normal.

SPEAKER_03 51:08

It's a leftover effect from Queen of the Damn. They used to do this in like every vampire movie, I feel like. Oh fuck yeah, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

The Googling scene. Oh, you so you're just gonna skip past that? Okay, fuck.

SPEAKER_03 51:20

Sorry, yeah, let's go back to this riveting moment.

SPEAKER_01 51:22

Well, I also love that she scrolls to like the sixth result on Google, which no one does that. No one does that.

SPEAKER_03 51:30

She doesn't click on herecometheflipflops.com. What? Which apparently has the story of the legends, and keep going down, or I needacoordinator.com. And she also doesn't click on Legends of the Slapping Beaver. Wow, what the fuck? Yeah. So then we get my favorite part of the movie, which is a shopping montage. Oh, sure. It's not long enough for me. That's the unfortunate part. But look, see, they're playing hacky sack with no ball. Oh yeah. Just kind of eh.

SPEAKER_07 52:00

They're just kicking. I saw a ball. Oh, there it is. There it is.

SPEAKER_05 52:02

Why are they all kicking? Why are they all there is a ball? Okay, there is a ball, but why are they all flyers?

SPEAKER_03 52:07

Why are they all making motions as if they're kicking when it's not near them?

SPEAKER_01 52:11

You gotta be ready. You gotta be ready. Also, I love that their excuse for like, oh, it's sunny out, so the Colin family went hiking. Right. What the fuck do you mean? These kids, okay. I got kicked out of school for missing like 10 days. Yeah. This motherfucker's missed like 50.

SPEAKER_03 52:28

The truancy is just rampant. It's unfair. It's not fair at all. Also, not fair. Bella just wants to go to walk to a bookstore and she gets accosted by the gang from Robocop. Dude. Wait, hang on.

SPEAKER_01 52:39

DC, can you go back to right before it cuts away from the that kid in the background's wearing basketball shorts and a polo shirt?

SPEAKER_02 52:48

What a fucking outfit.

SPEAKER_06 52:49

Oh, that was 2009. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:52

Holy shit. Oh, and that collar is popped. You gotta believe it.

SPEAKER_06 52:55

Dude, that's what Dusty used to look like. That is not what I used to look like.

SPEAKER_03 53:00

I have never popped a collar once in my life. Don't even fucking play with me.

SPEAKER_01 53:05

I choose to believe Priscilla. Priscilla, could we get those photos as well?

SPEAKER_03 53:09

Yeah, you show me photographic evidence. I'll concede. Please. Associated all. Okay, associated is different from actually wearing it.

SPEAKER_06 53:16

I'm gonna find one.

SPEAKER_03 53:17

Find it, please. Show me on the doll where his collar was popped. And I better not see a Sora AI watermarking.

SPEAKER_06 53:25

I think he wore two polos at one time. I have nuts! What the fuck are you talking about? Two polos.

SPEAKER_01 53:33

Hey, to be fair, I have vivid memories of the first day of seventh grade. I showed up to school in Adidas track pants and a red Hawaiian floral shirt. That's how I dress now. If you're wondering, yes, the Adidas pants were breakaway.

SPEAKER_03 53:49

I think you're thinking of me wearing an Argyle sweater once. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

SPEAKER_01 53:55

We all wore Argyle sweaters because we all saw Lucky Number 11 when we were like 16.

SPEAKER_03 54:00

Ashley wore more polos than I did in high school, I feel like.

SPEAKER_07 54:04

I did wear a lot of polos. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:05

So yeah, Bella goes with uh these two girls to to try on prom dresses, but she's doing that. There's always that one friend that's like, I'm just gonna bring like a book and a pen. I'm just gonna write. I don't really need to like try on dresses or anything. I'm like, why are you why do you come with? Why are you here?

SPEAKER_06 54:20

She's the worst. Peer pressure.

SPEAKER_01 54:22

Anna Kendrick, those gloves are not working. No.

SPEAKER_03 54:25

Oh, I disagree. I disagree. I think it's a good look. And yeah, like you said, they think she gets accosted by the Robocop gang in this alleyway. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 54:34

Wild.

SPEAKER_03 54:35

This is crazy. These guys all need to get shot in the dick. Like this is crazy. 100%. They literally form a circle around her, and then like one night at the rocks berries just like start bumping into her. And then Edward Tokyo drifts in. Yeah, fucking Twilight and the Furious over here. Every time he pulled up in his like action Volvo, it was so funny to me. Like it feels like when Michael Scott like pulls up in his seabring and he's like, it's Britney Bitch. Yeah. And then Edward just kind of gives them the blue steel until they all run away in fear. It's so weird. So Stephanie Meyer wrote another novel from Edward's perspective during the events of Twilight. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 55:14

Midnight Sun.

SPEAKER_03 55:15

Yeah, after he drops Bella off, he went back, hunted these guys down, and murdered them. Oh, that's cool. I like that. I'm into that. And depending on who you talk to, it is very likely that. So Stephanie Meyer gave Robert Pattinson the in-progress manuscript, so he would have that in mind when he was playing the character. So he's like the Snape, the Alan Rickman of it. Well, she decided not to publish it because it leaked online, and people are positive Robert Pattinson just like left it at an airport somewhere and people stole it.

SPEAKER_07 55:43

Accidentally leaked it.

SPEAKER_03 55:44

That'd be really funny. That's amazing. Uh so yeah, he he saves her from this uh gang of would-be and he takes Bella to eat dinner, but doesn't eat anything. Oh, before he does, he's just like, I need you to talk to me so I don't go back and murder people. So you put your seatbelt on. And he's like, No seatbelt can contain me, Bella.

SPEAKER_01 56:07

To be fair, I have that same conversation with my wife on the way home from work every fucking day.

SPEAKER_03 56:14

Yeah, they get to this diner and then Betty Page reincarnated as like serving them on Edwards.

SPEAKER_07 56:19

Yeah, she's my favorite.

SPEAKER_03 56:20

This hairdo is insane. One of the switchboard operators from John Wick works at this restaurant. Also, this restaurant is called the Bloated Toad. I don't know if I want to eat anywhere that's gonna tell me I'm gonna be bloated after I leave. Fuck that.

SPEAKER_07 56:32

No, thank you.

SPEAKER_03 56:33

Dude, that waitress is just like, she's like, Yeah, whatever, here's your food.

SPEAKER_01 56:37

You and I should fuck.

SPEAKER_03 56:38

Yeah, for real. I saw the way you looked at me when you walked in, you covered your mouth like I smelled like shit, and it really turned me off.

SPEAKER_07 56:44

It really got me.

SPEAKER_03 56:46

Well, she's just excited because one of Robert Pattinson's songs is playing in this restaurant. So it's not every day they get this guy. Yeah. Oh, this is one of his? Yeah. Oh. He used to just sort of improvise songs, and two of them ended up on the soundtrack. Oh, they are they sound insane.

SPEAKER_07 57:01

Nathan used to sing them at me back in the day.

SPEAKER_03 57:05

Middle sweet!

SPEAKER_01 57:06

Wait. This is one of them. So wait, you just decided not to work that into your wedding vowels. I thought about it.

SPEAKER_03 57:16

Yeah, he dropped so many red flags during this dinner scene. He says things like, I feel very protective of you. And he's like trembling as he says it. Yeah. And then he says, I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. And I'm like, girl, run. Yeah, right. Run. I can read minds. And then Edward starts to drive Bella home, but they see both her dad's truck and Dr. Cullen's car outside the police station where he tells them about Weyland's death. But before that, on the drive over, she goes to like turn off the AC in his car and their hands like accidentally touch. Yeah. And Bella tells Edward her favorite breaking Benjamin lyric. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 57:54

You're so cooked!

SPEAKER_03 58:00

I just thought that was funny.

SPEAKER_01 58:02

That was great. Wait, do they ever explain, like maybe it's a future movie thing? Do they explain why he can't read her mind?

SPEAKER_07 58:08

Yes. She's a fairy. She's a waitress.

SPEAKER_01 58:11

She's a waitress. She's a fairy waitress.

SPEAKER_04 58:13

Wait, they true blood it? Really?

SPEAKER_07 58:14

No, no, no. Yeah, she's got some kind of like, because when she becomes a vampire, she has like she becomes a vampire?

SPEAKER_03 58:21

She sure does. Spoilers. Whoa. Mallie, you have to see the scene where she gives birth to her child. It's fucking insane. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 58:31

Yeah, no, uh, I'm good. So she becomes a vampire? Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 58:37

She's like, she can shield people with her brain power. Like she can put a force field around them.

SPEAKER_04 58:44

Wait, but she can do it now, but she's not a vampire.

SPEAKER_07 58:48

I don't know. I don't know how to answer that question.

SPEAKER_04 58:51

I thought Ashley was here because she was an expert.

SPEAKER_07 58:54

They don't explain that. They're just like her brain's weird.

SPEAKER_03 58:56

Oh, she's autistic. They turn into X-Men with vampires. Everybody has different There's like a guy with electricity powers in one of these movies. Yeah. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_07 59:06

They have to fight the other vampires.

SPEAKER_03 59:08

L Fanning? Is it L fanning or Dakota fanning that just says pain? I think it's Dakota fanning. Wait, they got a fanning in this shit? Yeah, they do. Yo. Mally, have you not seen the final fight from the last movie? No. It's fucking crazy. Mally, I you gotta see it, dude. Pull it up! We'll watch it at the end. Today was the first time Mally ever saw this movie. Oh, yeah, no, that's true.

SPEAKER_07 59:32

That's wild.

SPEAKER_01 59:32

Like, I'd seen like bits and pieces, like from you know, the internet. Sure. But yeah, no, first full-time watch, and uh yeah, real bummer.

SPEAKER_02 59:42

Gotta stop watching these movies on Sunday mornings. Wait, okay. I fuck, I have so many questions. I don't want to watch the rest of the movies, but fuck. So they all have powers? They all have powers.

SPEAKER_03 59:53

Yeah, they all have like X-Men powers. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:55

So like, what's the doctor, the uh fucking uh sexy Nosferatu? What's his power?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:00

Oh, he's got the fuck me eyes. That's what his thing is. Yeah, I think so.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:03

Isn't his like self-control? That's why he's able to like not eat people who are like bleeding.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:09

Wait, I'm sorry. His power is meditation. His superpower is not like forcing himself on people.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:15

He's like, I'm hella disciplined.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:17

That's the shittiest superpower. I agree. I know the one chick can see the future, but it's useless because the future can change.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:25

Yeah, she can see the choices people make.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:28

Mally, that comes into play in this final fight that we're gonna watch later, and it's gonna piss you off so fucking hard. Oh wait, what just wait? Wait, the self-control does? No, no, her clairvoyance will piss you off, I promise. Right. Awesome. So yeah, Bella does some uh some tropey library research, and I love that she's on this website that has you know locations of vampire lore, whether it's China, Egypt, India, Peru, the Pacific Northwest, Japan. That's really funny. Yeah, and yeah, she she I guess learns what a vampire is for the first time.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:02

I've never heard of it before. I also like that she clicks on everywhere except the place she lives first, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:08

Yep. I guess is this like one of those situations where like people in zombie movies haven't heard of the concept of a zombie? Maybe. But I guess not because she knows what a vampire I don't know. I was gonna say I guess not because I guess she has to Google it and sees the word vampire. So she's just what's going on with Bella? You're telling me this girl doesn't read fantasy? Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:26

Well, I'm guessing since she already has her secret vampire power, even though she's a human, that her it not only blocks mind readers, it blocks fucking simple information, knowledge.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:37

Did they ever explain like what makes her so special? There's something about her blood.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:43

Oh boy. Yeah, it's intoxicating to him, and then also it's implied that it's like because they're soulmates, she's just so delicious to him.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:52

It's something like every vampire has like one scent that just like gets them, I guess. And so she's his.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:01:58

It's like the Jacob and the baby thing.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:00

Gotcha. Oh god, I don't like that sentence. Like for Jasper, it's the scent of napalm in the morning. And so wait, so his the scent that gets him going is like cactus residue? Yes. Okay. Mally, I just want you to know Jasper, Alice's boyfriend, is Who the fuck is Jasper? The mouth-breathing one. He's the one who always looks constipated. Oh the one with the cunty scarves? Yes. Okay. No, no, Emmett has the cunty scarves, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:02:25

Uh, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:26

Is he? The one with the shaved head has the scarves or no? I don't know. Who cares?

SPEAKER_07 1:02:30

Jasper's the one with the long blonde hair.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:32

Yeah, but isn't that all of them? He's not southern in this movie, but in Eclipse, he's suddenly incredibly southern because his backstory has revealed that he fought in the Confederate army. Oh, hell yeah. And he literally all of a sudden is talking like that. Like he's like, I was uh I became a vampire when I was battling with Robert E. Lee. What the fuck? It's so insane. Maybe I should watch these fucking movies. Well, you have to understand, Bella. It was about states, right? I mean, play the fucking sound by see. That was a perfect moment for it. I think Nathan just did it better than Jasper could do it, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:10

Thank you. Oh no, I meant the sound clip of Nathan saying you must be something. Oh, sure, sure. I mean, it's too late now. The bit's over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:18

So at school, Bella and Edward headed to the woods where she confronts him and tells her she knows the truth. He's a goddamn vampire. Wait, is this the scene where he just fucking Yodas her? Yes. He does it twice. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he's like, she's like, Yeah, I think you're really cool and I would like to be around you. And he's just like, I could kill you with a thought. Like, I want to fucking murder you so bad. She's like, No, I trust you.

SPEAKER_07 1:03:42

No, but you're hot.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:43

I do like the exchange where she says, How old are you? He says, 17. She goes, How long have you been 17? And he just goes, Oh wow. I do like that. It's pretty good. Oh wow. Oh wow. But what's not good though is this fucking terrible looking speed running he does. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:00

Wait, he's got a sparkle first. He's got a sparkle first.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:03

He does have to sparkle first. You're right. I'm so sorry. He says, I hated you for making me want you so badly.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:09

There's the yearning. That's not yearning.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:11

That's just it was the yearning.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

Oh yeah. Wait, this is the scene with maybe the worst single line of dialogue I've ever heard in my fucking life.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:20

Oh, oh no, no, no, no. No, sir. No, sir.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:24

He literally, like, he's like, look at how sparkly I am. It's the sparking. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:31

Isn't this so scary? I appreciate this.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:33

Like, what the fuck? Well, my question is, what does the sparkle mean? Does it hurt him?

SPEAKER_07 1:04:39

It's cute. It's just pretty. Look at him.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:42

Yeah, but but is it just like, is it just so like this is why I can't go out in the sun? Because it puts like a little Sims indicator over my head that says, hey, here's a vampire.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:49

It's like, oh, if I go into the sun, I sparkle so people will know I'm a vampire. Like, brother, just go to West Hollywood and say it's body glitter. Like you're fucking fine. There you go.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:59

But he also he does this as though she's not gonna be like, oh, that's really pretty. Yeah. Like it's like he's he literally is like, isn't this the most fucked up gross thing you've ever seen? I'm like, no, you're beautiful.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:09

Maybe he's embarrassed. Maybe he's embarrassed.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:12

I still like no, dude, I've been to a strip club. I've seen shit. Like, it's fine. I'm gonna brag.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:17

But I'm still like, what does the sparkle mean? Does it hurt him? What does it mean? What does it mean?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:22

How did it get burned? That's I was just thinking, how to get burned? Which so yeah, so sunlight doesn't hurt them at all then.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:28

That's my question. Does it hurt them? No, it just makes them feel pretty. But then why not just stay in the sun?

SPEAKER_06 1:05:33

They just said that they know people would know.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:36

But Ashley, wasn't Edwards' plan to commit suicide in the second movie by stepping directly into the sun? Like, I feel like direct sunlight kills them, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:05:44

No, it doesn't. So that was he would sparkle and everyone would be like, Why the fuck is this guy sparkling? Oh, and then the Voltory would kill him. He would have revealed himself to humans, which is against the vampire laws.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:56

So sunlight doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything, it seems.

SPEAKER_07 1:05:59

No, it just makes them. Feels sparkly and cute. And the thing is, is he's supposed to be made out of like marble diamonds and marble and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:07

So he's in a frost. Yeah, I got it. Okay, but so why?

SPEAKER_07 1:06:13

I love that I'm just here to answer Twilight questions.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:15

Yeah. I'm so confused. So sunlight doesn't do anything besides make them sparkle.

SPEAKER_07 1:06:20

No, it doesn't hurt them at all. Got it. They just sparkle, and people would be like, Why the fuck is that guy sparkling? And then it would cause just chaos.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:29

Because he's a queen. He's fucking slaying. That's why he's sparkling. Who gives a shit? Yeah. But then he says to Bella, Everything about you invites me in. My voice, my face, my hog. Like he's just like, everything about me. And then he says, What for my money is the worst line in the movie. He goes, So the lion fell in love with the layout. God fucking damn it. And if I'm Bella, I say, Oh no, never mind. I don't like you anymore. Well, before that, he says, I wanted to kill you. I've never wanted a human's blood so much in my life. To which she says, I trust you. And I'm like, what? No.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:05

Oh, it's so fucking questionable.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:08

Dangerous.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:09

Well, clearly, she's got mommy issues. Maybe she has BPD. Maybe.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:13

Maybe she's got daddy issues too, as far as I can tell from this movie. And then yeah, he also says, You're like my own personal brand of heroin. I'm like, man, that's a lyric that was on so many emo band demos that no one listened to.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:24

Oh no, that's my fucking favorite nine-inch nail song.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:29

She says in a in a VO about three things I was positive. First, Edward was a Vapar. I was like, yeah, no shit. He literally told you that. God. And then yeah, they they decide let's just be a couple. Let's just go to school together. And he steps directly into this sunlight walking into school, and it's not a problem.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:47

I know.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:48

Again, apparently Ashley, confirm sunlight does nothing.

SPEAKER_07 1:07:51

Does nothing. Makes him sparkle.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:53

Got it. So it's like he sparkles, he can read minds, and he's super fast. My first thought is never going to be vampire. I know. I know. Like it's gonna be like probably like a fucking fairy, yeah. Or something like that.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:05

A waitress fairy, yeah. He is serving in this movie. I do love when Edward is telling her his origin story, and the flashback to Carlisle in the influence award looks like incredible. It looks like Peter Fasinelli like leans in and whispers, You're so fucking hot, I want to make you immortal. I love this.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:25

Wait, so he turned, so Edward was the first person he turned in the family?

SPEAKER_07 1:08:30

Yeah, Edward was the first.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:32

Was it his the first person?

SPEAKER_07 1:08:33

Yeah, and then it was his wife.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:35

Yeah, and then he then he found his wife. Because he says me, then his wife. His wife.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:39

Wait till you guys watch the other ones and see how the other ones were turned. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:44

I might need to.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:45

I might need to. Wait, tell me.

SPEAKER_07 1:08:47

So the best one is Rosalie. She likes.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:50

Real quick, who's Rosalie?

SPEAKER_07 1:08:52

The long blonde hair.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:53

The one that's mad, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:08:55

Yeah, the one that's mad all the time.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:56

The one who breaks a pasta bowl with her hands. Oh, the bitch.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:02

So she marries this guy and he he assaults her once they're married. He gets drunk and assaults her and then lets all of his friends assault her. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:12

Forgot about that.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:13

So she turns up and kills them one by one in her wedding dress.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:17

That sounds like a movie in and of itself. Let's make that a standalone.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:21

It is. It's called Kill Bill.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:23

Yeah, there you go. Hang on. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:25

I want to see that movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:27

Sounds pretty good.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:28

Yeah, it's like five minutes in one of the movies.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:30

Hell yeah. Uh yeah, and then they talk about there's gonna be a James Bond theme prom. Like, that sounds pretty cool, honestly.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:35

But actually, that's sound dope. I just bought four new decks of playing cards. I'm psyched. Oh, one of them, I'll have to send you a pick. One of them is uh Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:44

Oh nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:46

So he also tells Bella in his his backstory that his clan of vampires, they only hunt animals because they don't want to be monsters. And like we consider ourselves vegetarian. I'm like, that's not how that works.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:57

Wait, okay. So again, Ashley, sorry.

SPEAKER_07 1:09:59

They don't need human blood, they don't need it, they prefer it.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:02

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:03

But that's also an interview with a vampire, though.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:05

Yeah. I'm just trying to lock down the rules of this fucking franchise.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:09

Basically, Melly, the whole thing is they can eat humans, but it turns them into like this blood frenzy thing where they're like, we won't stop. We'll just keep killing. And so like they're like, well, I don't know what the motivation is to be good vampires.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:22

But at the end, when they're all when she's like bleeding to death, he's the only one that seems bothered by it.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:28

Well, because her scent is so like alluring to him, and that's why Dr.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:32

Collins, like, shouldn't all the others be fiending? Alice almost does.

SPEAKER_07 1:10:36

Alice does a little bit. She like she dips her fingers in her blood and then like sniffs them. She sure does.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:42

Sniffs her middle fingers, like, do you know her? And then she like has to be pulled away from her. Oh god.

unknown 1:10:47

Stop it.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:49

So Edward brings Bella to his incredible house out in the woods to meet the other Colins. I do have to say, I actually think this is a good scene. I like that they all pitch in to like make her a meal because they can't eat human food. I like this scene a lot.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:03

I like it too.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:04

There's also a really funny joke where someone says, like, do we even know if she likes pasta? And I think it's Kellen Lutz who says, Well, her name's Bella. It made me laugh really hard. It's very funny. Also, on the drive over to the the Collins house, if you don't know the the werewolves versus vampires backstory, the evil eye that Edward gives Billy Black as they're driving by seems mad racist.

unknown 1:11:29

I know.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:30

I know. Oh, so they're all werewolves. A lot of them are, yeah. Oh. So he shows Bella his his bedroom, and you know, he doesn't have a bed because he doesn't sleep. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:40

So the chief or the dad, yeah, who's in a wheelchair. Yes. When he turns into a werewolf. Dude, I was gonna bring that up earlier.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:50

Oh like how Nathan was already like following Mallie's line of question. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:11:55

He's a werewolf with wheels.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:56

Oh god. Well, it's like, you know, you ever seen like when a dog has like a broken leg?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:01

Yeah, I was gonna say like the dog and a babe pig in the city. Yeah. God. Uh so yeah, he shows her his bedroom. Yeah. And look, I know he's a classical artist, but when she presses play on his record player and he goes, it's the pussy. The pussy.

SPEAKER_07 1:12:14

The pussy.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:15

And Priscilla both said it at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:17

That's one of the scenes I have seen because it's been meme to hell with like different songs coming on.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:23

Sure. I saw one once where she starts playing it and it's uh Loveless by My Bloody Valentine. It made me laugh really hard. Hell yeah, dude. I want him to play like Adidas by Core. If Bella waited to get to college, she'd have met way more guys with no bed in their bedroom. I don't know. And pretentious record collections as well. Well, yeah, and I bet Edward prefers to Bussy's earlier EPs more. His undergrad stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:48

No one on this podcast has a pretentious record collection. Me and Nathan just gonna see ourselves out. I'm gonna go, uh Oh, wait, is that Jasper Grass?

SPEAKER_03 1:12:57

Yeah, that's Jasper, this mouth breather looking guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:59

He's southern?

SPEAKER_07 1:13:00

Not in this film. But yeah, he is.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:13:03

Huh.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:03

But yeah, this is where the worst song of the movie comes in to me, which is you better hold on tight, spotted monkey. He takes her up a tree, and I'm like, there's a spaghetti waiting. I know, right? That's yeah. Dude, the best part of this scene though is where there's like this piano music playing, yeah, and then it cuts to like a meatloaf music video of him like playing the music diegetically. Yeah. It looks like Total Eclipse. Yes. I lost it. I lost it. So this swooping camera movement made me lose my mind. Oh, it's so funny. And anytime there's a disagreement, much like Christian Gray, he takes her to the sky.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:36

Takes her to the sky, you're right. You're right. Oh, wait, that begs the question. Does uh Edward have fuck jeans? I think he wears it. Oh, those are the genes he came in when he first saw her.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:49

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's like uh a layer of Scotch guard on it, you know, every time he just leaves it down.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:54

So these cops are fucking idiots because they're like, oh, it's a bear print. I'm like, that is a human foot.

SPEAKER_03 1:13:58

Yep. It's well, it takes the chief of police to say that. He's like, this is human. And the dog's like, Yeah, I I agree. And then yeah, we get the Stephanie Myers, the Alfred Hitchcock cameo. God. Oh, that was her? Yeah, it's her, the one ordering at the the waitress even goes, Here you go, Stephanie. And she's like clearly writing her next novel on her little computer at the bar. God. So Ashley told me in a disturbing bit of backstory about this Edward watching Bella's sleep scene. All of it? Well, the chemistry test before casting Kristen Stewart, the director invited her and Pattinson over to her house and had them make out on her bed. Oh yeah. No. Yeah. I don't like that. Don't care for that at all.

SPEAKER_07 1:14:39

Yeah, really messed up.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:41

I love that this movie keeps pretending that Bella's mom is a character every time they call her. Oh, I know. This is awful. And then yeah, he sneaks into Bella's room and they kiss for the first time, but Edward's boner ruins the moment, quite literally. It's like I'm about to bust, I gotta go out the window. And then this is a Mormon's like idea of like the sexiest night you could have, which is just pillow talk till you fall asleep. I think that is nice. It's the only scene that feels bad. It's just funny. It's the only scene that feels kind of romantic.

SPEAKER_07 1:15:11

I love you. You're so cute.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:13

Because it's also weird because then he says, I like watching you sleep. I'm like, don't fall asleep around this guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:18

Wait, so he doesn't sleep, he doesn't sleep. But in the hospital at the end, isn't he fucking asleep? He's pretending it.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:25

He's faking.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:27

He's a liar. On top of everything else, he's a dirty liar. Oh my god, this is my favorite fucking scene. Me too. Him cleaning his gun.

SPEAKER_07 1:15:35

I told Nathan this is the hottest part in the movie.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:38

Dude, the way he cocks the gun is like, tell him to come in. I was like, oh my god, I'm rock hard.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:43

Yep, he's pulling that trope. Yep. He's like, I know it's seven in the morning, but go ahead and bring him in. There's a date at seven in the fucking morning. I don't know. Edward introduces himself, and I I just want Charlie to say, like, yeah, your dad looks at corpses for me sometimes. Like, I know who you are. I do love this baseball scene a lot. Really? Okay. I like the idea that they can only play baseball when it's storming because the sound of the thunder covers up the impact of them hitting the ball so hard with the bet. Yeah. But my favorite part is when Alice turns into a human clock that reads 10:30 every time she pitches. Yeah. How does her leg do that? I don't know, but I love every time they cut to her pitching, it's like that. It's a very important shot to Ashley, and I it makes it seem like, oh, she has like good form. Yeah. But then once the leg comes down, she just like. No, I love it. I love that her her ankle is above her ear. It's so fucking funny. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:39

How does what the fuck?

SPEAKER_06 1:16:40

It just shows she's quirky.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:42

But like the whole woods is the diamond. The whole woods. It's killing me because like Kellen Letz is over in the corner doing like hip-hop keto like the most. And a Jasper is just flipping the bat in one shot, and like he doesn't even know how the game is played. They just invited him.

SPEAKER_07 1:16:57

I just love like all their wigs are too big for the baseball hat.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:01

Yep, they're stuffed in. I do like that Edward flips off the other guy at one point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:08

I don't think this scene is necessary for the movie, but I like that they included it. Because I need a little bit of goofy fun stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:17:13

It's a big part of the book, too.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:15

Oh god. Okay. Why?

SPEAKER_07 1:17:17

Uh, I don't know. Um, it's just their quidditch. It's a fun scene. And then, like, just like in the movie, it's kind of where everything, it's like a different story after this scene.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:28

Yeah, that's what I was about to say. We're an hour and 20 minutes into the movie before the villain of the movie gets introduced properly.

SPEAKER_07 1:17:36

Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:17:36

Fucking bananas. It takes this long for us to get this noise core band that just steps out of the woods like Diane Tword over here.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:45

Look at the fucking woman gliding over the floor. Also, so her glimpses of the future are just like like she only sees things that are gonna happen in fucking 10 seconds?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:55

I guess so. It's like uh it's like next, right? It's like Nicholas Cage. Priscilla, how many of these like fur overthrows or what what are they called? Like a little little wraps. How many of those did you get after this?

SPEAKER_06 1:18:07

None.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:08

Oh man, I feel like you'd rock one of those. I feel like you need one because you're always cold. You have a blanket on right now. Girl, same. All right, well, I guess fuck. I'll change my prop cop.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:18

I'm pretty sure like in Game of Thrones, they did this too, and they said they got all theirs from IKEA rugs.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:24

Oh wow, that's so funny. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:26

Yeah, they're all distressed IKEA rugs.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:29

That's funny. Noted. For half a second, I was like, What did they play baseball in Game of Thrones? I was thinking, where were the vampires in Game of Thrones?

SPEAKER_06 1:18:38

I knew what she meant. I feel like we watched True Blood after this.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:41

Oh man. Uh so yeah, this rogue group of the evil vampires step out of the woods, quite literally. And then this is where we get introduced to the actual villain of the movie, which is this one vampire, James, who looks like if you did the reverse bane serum on Sabretooth. Like this guy has no aura, no charisma. I don't like him as a villain.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:02

Oh, this dude was 100 fucking percent at Woodstock 99.

unknown 1:19:08

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:08

Yep. Ashley and I just watched that documentary. Hell yeah. He started the first trash fire. Yeah. He said, break stuff. Thanks, Fred Durst. I sure will. And so he catches wind of Bella's scent and is like, oh, I gotta kill the shit out of this girl. And then they all just kind of have like a mog off. Yeah. Like they all just kind of like start hissing at one another. And this is where the crux of the movie takes place, where they're like, okay, we gotta get Bella the fuck out of forks because this guy is gonna it's framed as he knows that I love you, so he's gonna kill you to spite me. So again, she's not the point. Like, it's now she's like this tug of war between these two alpha dogs. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_05 1:19:51

But why? This guy just met these people and Bella.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:55

He has no reason to like be this involved.

SPEAKER_07 1:19:59

Yeah, but the plot needs it to happen.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:01

So I guess he does have one of the great actor names, though, Kim Gigante. It's a great name. I love his name. But it's just he's not threatening, he's a twink little guy with a ponytail. And it's just he he looks bigger in Never Back Down, which came out like the year before this.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:17

Uh-huh. They all look so fucking ridiculous when they're like square enough. I know.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:22

And yeah, this is like the rest of the movie, basically. We gotta get Bella away from this guy. He won't stop hunting her for some reason. And so they go to Bella's house, like, all right, we gotta get out of here, but we gotta, you know, convince your dad to let you go. So we feign a breakup. And she is so mean to Charlie. Like, she specifically like breaks Charlie's heart so that she can leave. And I'm like, you could have just said, I really hit it off with the Cullen girls. I'm having a sleepover, and then they like figured this out. You know, like there's no reason to destroy this man. And her dad is spineless because she's like, uh, I'm gonna drive to Phoenix tonight. I'll get a hotel if I get tired. I'm like, if I was your dad, like, hey, guess what? You're 17. Fuck you, will yeah, you live with me, so guess what you're not doing tonight? Guess where you're not going. And then she says, if I stay here, I'm just gonna get stuck like mom did. And then it which like Billy Burke plays this really well, and then she tells Edward, I told him the same thing my mom did when she left him. And I was like, Your mom said my mom's gonna get stuck. Can you fuck your grandma? Well, I mean, with that mustache, probably.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:26

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:26

I do like though when they're driving by the diner and she's Billy Boink, she sees her friends, quote unquote, and like the life she could have. That's a nice moment, I think. Yeah, just hanging out at a bar on Friday night. Like, that's the life she could have, but no, she has to be with this abuser in this gaslighter. The bar that lets high school kids go in. Yeah. Wait, why doesn't the James dude just kill her right there when he's like watching her? I don't know. Good question. The hunt is his obsession, is what Edward tells.

SPEAKER_07 1:21:52

He loves the hunt.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:54

That's fucking stupid. I agree. Edward pulls a Winnie Sanderson and like flies up next to the truck like an hocus pocus. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:01

So wait, can they all fly too?

SPEAKER_07 1:22:03

No, they just run really fast.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:04

Yeah, it's not flying, it's just they can, yeah, jump really far and run really fast. Falling with style. There you go. And so, yeah, the Cullens are they have this plan in motion to get Bella out of fork safely by having some of them wear her jacket to distract the evil vampire James tracking her down. Yeah. But he figures that shit out pretty quickly. There's a really funny shot of them saying, like, Rosalie, mark that tree, and Nikki Reed just kind of rubbing up like Baloo. I expected her to lift a leg. All right, hold on. So they get Bella to Phoenix, right? Don't they go all the way to Phoenix? Yeah, I think so. And then yeah, James like calls her and is like threatening to kill her mom unless they meet at the old ballet school she went used to go to. I didn't know Bella was part of the Black Widow program. Well, and it's also so weird where they're like, we can't take you home. That's the first place you'll look because of your scent. And so they take her to her other home where she's it's gonna smell the most like her. Yeah, it's so weird. And we also won't protect your dad or mom. It's just you we care about. It just seems odd to have this thread show up this late in the movie for it to be so important. Like if you're gonna make this, you know, have an impact, have these two characters get introduced to each other earlier on, not at the hour 20 mark of your two-hour movie.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:16

They also, for some reason, were like, what if we shot this phone conversation like we're in a fucking Jason Bourne movie? Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:22

I was gonna say, this movie has so many like shaky cam shots it would make Jason Bourne blush. Like it's so wild the cinematography of this movie. My theory has always been that that Stephanie Meyer wrote a book where it was just the romance, and someone at the publishing company told her, Well, you gotta add some kind of conflict. That's why I feel like because in the it's like this in the book too, right? I feel like it's like the last like 60 pages are suddenly a chase story.

SPEAKER_07 1:23:48

Yeah, yeah, it's it's kind of the same thing. But then like the second book and the second movie, the this plot line comes back.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:56

Oh kind of.

SPEAKER_07 1:23:57

Kind of.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:57

Okay. So he tells Bella Rive alone, and she does, and she's tricked by James because guess what? Her mom's not there, she's off with her baseball boyfriend somewhere. He's got this whole movie where I'm just like, why was her mom filming her saying I suck at dancing? I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 1:24:13

I was thinking that I was like, who is filming this?

SPEAKER_03 1:24:15

But then he breaks out a camera too, and this is just bizarre. He's like, I'm gonna toy with you before I kill you, and like pulls out this little goat, like see, this feels horny too. But also, also, real fucking weird. He's like, I got my little little camcorder, we're gonna make a whole movie.

SPEAKER_06 1:24:35

He clearly is getting off on that.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:36

Clearly, yeah, he's getting off because he's about to murder this teenage girl for some.

unknown 1:24:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:40

I'm gonna come. It even echoes like the ballet studio. And then yeah, Edward shows up to save her, and in the middle of their fight, James bites her on the wrist, and uh the other colons arrive. And dude, Alice breaks this dude's fucking neck, and then they burn his body.

SPEAKER_07 1:25:00

Yeah, she rips it off.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:02

It's so funny when she pulls his head off. Like I think the little venom effect is pretty good. Like they show the they show the bite mark on her arm and it's sort of bubbling in a weird way. Like, I I think that's pretty good. What was weird to me is Carlisle says to Edward, Edward's about to kill James, and he's like, remember who you are. Like Mufasa. But then he lets his other kids, Stone Cold, murder this guy. Yeah. So wait, so vampires have venom 2?

SPEAKER_07 1:25:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:30

Okay. Yeah, Venom 2, let there be carnage.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:33

Well, like the the vampire gene, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:25:36

They have like venom that comes out of their teeth.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:38

Yeah, like that's the stuff that turns people, right? Yeah. Yeah. Got it.

SPEAKER_06 1:25:42

They should have just let her turn, and then they would have like, you know, she wouldn't have to go through this again.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:46

Right? Well, yeah, I mean, she does eventually end up turning, so like it seems like they're just kind of delaying the inevitable. But yeah, he's like, all right, look, she's starting to hemorrhage, she'll either become a vampire or you could suck the venom out. The problem with that is if you start tasting her blood, you may not be able to stop, you may actually kill her. Yeah. And uh yeah, he's able to, but like this scene, I have to just say it flat out. This is a coming scene, the way she reacts. Both of them. Yes. This is like the closest you're gonna get to a sex scene in a PG 13 movie. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:14

Wait, but if her ephemeral artery was cut, like that was my note, too. She's still gonna die.

SPEAKER_07 1:26:20

Well, but they couldn't like film him sucking down there in this movie.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:24

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_07 1:26:24

Like, I was thinking, I was like, why does he like bite her wrist instead?

SPEAKER_02 1:26:28

No, it's it's not that. It's he's gonna bleed out. If that artery's cut, she's still gonna bleed out.

SPEAKER_07 1:26:33

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:34

And the doctor's not doing fucking shit.

SPEAKER_07 1:26:36

Well, you put a little tourniquet.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:38

He does make a little tourniquet, but it is That's not gonna do anything with that. Oh man. Yeah, I don't know. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but are you a 200-year-old doctor? I like that Dr. Collins just cuck at it right there. He's just like, yeah, keep sucking. Stop sucking now.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:54

Good sucking, son. Wait, yeah, no, that's actually a good fucking point. This dude, when did he go to med school?

SPEAKER_03 1:27:02

I think it's around the time when they realize, oh, we should probably sanitize our hands before we start digging around in people. Mallie, that's such a good point. It would be so funny if there's a scene where like he's doing like civil war medicine.

SPEAKER_07 1:27:13

Yeah, he's like, here's some cocaine.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:14

Yeah, they're like, he keeps he keeps prescribing leeches. Dr. Carlisle was in the nick. He was like, cocaine for everyone, cocaine for you, cocaine for me.

SPEAKER_07 1:27:24

His number one diagnosis is ghosts in the blood.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:27

Yeah, he goes to he goes to Charlie and he's like, uh, you know, Bella's uh resting up just fine. She does have the vapors, she does have a touch of hysteria.

SPEAKER_07 1:27:35

I prescribe a summer by the sea.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:39

I was gonna say, what if he just goes back to med school every decade or so? I mean, you would have to, right? To like be in the know. Yeah, he has to. That's a great spinoff.

SPEAKER_07 1:27:49

Like Father Lake Son, they're always at school.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:51

Like Vampire Med? I'd watch the fuck out of that.

SPEAKER_03 1:27:54

Yeah. Oh my god, that's like a seven season show you could stretch out easily. Peter Fassinelli and John C. McGinley. God. Oh my God. Dustin, that's the pit night shift spinoff. Oh my god, the pit night shift. Yeah, they introduce Dr. Cole and he's the attending. Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:10

Oh, I'd watch the fuck out of that. Are you kidding me? It comes like the 2000s, and we're just like, I don't know why I keep subscribing them.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:16

Quaaludes aren't even a thing anymore. We can't make anymore.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:19

And then he overhears it and he's like, God, I guess it like so he goes back to school. There's always just that one moment where he realizes he has to go back.

SPEAKER_06 1:28:27

How do I get him as my doctor?

SPEAKER_01 1:28:29

Yeah, for real.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:31

So yeah, in the in the hospital, Bella's mom finally shows up and sits by her bed and tells her, Oh, Edward saved you. You fell down some stairs and out a window. That explains all your wounds. Gaslighting. She says, You fell, you broke your leg. And I was like, and someone bit you when you fell out the window. I like that they show it like a flashback that actually happened. Man, that shot of Kristen Stewart flying through a window is so fucking funny. Yep, yep. But yeah, she's like, uh, she tells her mom, I want to stay in Forks. And Edward's hesitant about that because he's afraid he won't be able to protect her or control himself. And she tells her mom, you need to go get dad so I can apologize. Shaky Cam on this. Look at the shaky camel this fall. That's so good. It's so awful that she's like, go get dad, I want to apologize. And it's clearly just a ruse so she can talk to Edward. Like she just does not fundamentally give a shit about Charlie, and it bums me out. Dude, this mom is obsessed with the idea of living in Jacksonville, Florida. That's all she wants to talk about.

SPEAKER_07 1:29:35

She loves Jacksonville.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:37

Jacksonville has a Whataburger, and that's fucking it.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:40

Yeah, she's like Bella. There's no pub subs. She's like, you're right. I'm fucking Edward, I'm moving. And so yeah, Edward and Bella, they head to prom together, and uh, her dad is not thrilled about this. She's in a boot. That sucks. I wonder your prom in a fucking medical boot, God. And uh Jacob shows up. Why the fuck are you even here? You don't even go here. Put on a little tie.

SPEAKER_06 1:30:01

He said why he's there.

SPEAKER_05 1:30:02

But why is he in a suit? Yeah, why's he got a little suit and tie? Because it's prom.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:06

But he doesn't even go there.

SPEAKER_06 1:30:08

That's what I'm saying. Maybe he was going to his prom.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:11

It's a secret mission. He's trying to bleed in so he can tell Bella this thing. I gotta tell you, that wig is doing anything but blending yet.

SPEAKER_07 1:30:18

That wig is so bad.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:20

It's crazy. Oh, I forgot to mention I could see Rosalie's lace front at one point in the movie. Like, there's there's some wild wig work happening in this. So Jacob does tell her that his dad wanted him to warn Bella, you gotta stay away from Edward and the Cullens because that's for the sequels. Yeah, my dad wants you to break up with your boyfriend. Such an insane thing to say. Mm-hmm. And then is it Edward here that says prom's an important rite of passage? Yes.

unknown 1:30:46

Is it really?

SPEAKER_02 1:30:47

How many fucking proms has this fucking pedo been to? I know so many.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:51

She says, I can't believe you're making me do this. And he says, just smile. I gotta tell you though, there are too many lights on this fucking gazebo. This shit is a fire hazard waiting to have. I love that the other people in the gaz because there's like two other couples dancing, and then when they come up to dance, it's like the other characters are like, oh, the main characters are here. We should leave. I was imagining during this conversation they have early. What if there's just one kid off to the side that's like, wait, what's going on? Hang on.

SPEAKER_07 1:31:20

We'll never believe you.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:22

No one's ever gonna fucking believe you, kid. The kid that spiked the punch is just sitting there, and then he does a fake out where he starts to bite her neck. Oh, I wish he had blown a raspberry if he'd just been like, I love you.

SPEAKER_07 1:31:35

I love you.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:36

So at the end of the movie, Edward and Bella they pontificate over the nature of their relationship, and Bella's like, I want to become a vampire, and he's like, Okay, and he like pretends to bite her, but he does it, and then they just kiss, and uh, while they're kissing, that evil vampire you 100% forgot about is waiting in the wings, just watching. Yeah, and yeah, like I said, she descends into the black and white zone of the stairs for the credits to start rolling, and that's the fuck it.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:03

How come I end up fucking dare they end this movie with that fucking song? That song rules. That song fucking rules, and oh my god. Like I was concerned I broke my laptop screen.

SPEAKER_06 1:32:18

So why don't you tell them about how much you hate Radiohead?

SPEAKER_01 1:32:21

Oh, I didn't know how much they're gonna be.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:22

Absolutely know.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:23

They're very aware. Oh no, well, here's the thing though. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, don't care.

unknown 1:32:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:29

The ending of this movie, though, is so like Christian cinema coded. Oh my god. They've known each other for what, like a week? It's an angel pictures. Yeah. Yeah, it's so crazy. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. They known each other like a week, and Bella's like, I can't wait. I dream about being with you forever. And I'm I'm like, you guys have known each other maybe seven days. I'm surprised Bella wasn't like, I can't wait to have kids with you, and everything. I'm like, you're 17. Right. You're 17. This is not appropriate. Right. She marries her first love.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:55

Did Turning Point remake this?

SPEAKER_03 1:32:57

Oh god. They're working on it. Okay. Uh, all right. Any final notes, uh, Priscilla? Do you have any other notes for Ashley?

SPEAKER_06 1:33:04

No, I gave up halfway through. Yeah, you did.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:06

You only took like seven notes.

SPEAKER_06 1:33:08

I was like, I can't. Yeah, I didn't take a lot either, but I've seen it a million times.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:12

That's what she's like. She's like, I got this movie memorized. I'm not gonna take that. You know what?

SPEAKER_06 1:33:16

It was really hard to concentrate. Dustin was just laughing.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:20

It's a fun movie for me.

SPEAKER_06 1:33:22

I was like, listen, I can't.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:23

It was like a perfect, but we we got Chipotle, we bought a bottle of wine. We have a bottle of wine.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:29

Such a classy evening.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:30

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:31

Damn, I might get Chipotle. That sounds good. It hit.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:34

Alright, well, why don't we jump over to our ending segments here with Prop Cup? So if you're tuning in for the first time, Prop Cop is where we all are going to pick one prop from the movie Twilight, and that could be anything physical, tangible, that can be wardrobes, anything at all in the movie Twilight to hypothetically own for ourselves. Since this is my first movie. Well, since this is my pick.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:56

This is your first movie's ever seen. Bro, wait till you see like other ones.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:01

This got some real boss baby vibes, I gotta tell you. Um I want Edward's peacoat. I know I live in Florida, but that shit looked cozy. I did buy a peacoat because of this movie back in the day. Priscilla, what prop do you want most from Twilight? The Audi?

SPEAKER_06 1:34:19

Not his. Not his.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:21

Whose?

SPEAKER_06 1:34:22

Uh the other Collins, they have the Audi SUV. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:26

Okay. That Emmett stands up in like an asshole. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:34:30

Well, no, that's the Jeep.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:30

Oh, that's the Jeep. You're right.

SPEAKER_06 1:34:32

There is an Audi SUV. Maybe it's in the second movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:35

We don't need to find it. It's fine. Yeah, sure. I'll take I'll take your word for it.

SPEAKER_06 1:34:38

Maybe a fucking car. Whatever your car.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:41

I almost picked when they get Bella to the hotel, there is one shot of a like candy apple red Ferrari sitting outside this hotel. And I was like, oh. Oh, that's cherry. Oh, shit is so cherry. Uh Ashley, what prop do you want?

SPEAKER_07 1:34:54

Um, I want the golden onion.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:56

Oh my god, yes. Oh yes.

SPEAKER_07 1:34:59

Yeah, I want the golden onion that the teacher gives them for whatever they accomplished in science class.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:04

Yeah, that science class thing. Yeah, yeah. Nathan, what about you? When uh Harry and Jacob, or no, Billy and Jacob show up to watch the game at on Charlie's TV. Who the fuck is Billy? Jacob's dad.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:16

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:16

Got it. Billy holds up a bag and says, I got No, you're taking mine. Harry Clearwater's homemade fish fries.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:23

Damn it.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:24

And I want to try some of that fucking fish.

SPEAKER_07 1:35:26

Fuck. It looks so heavy in the day. Like, ugh.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:29

Oh man. Sorry, brother. Uh well, we'll come back to you then, Mally, so you can think of a second one. Mally, come through.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:34

Bring a plate. I got you. Well, no, it's mine. Okay, so we'll split the difference here. I'll take the beer that they also bring. Oh, yeah. Vitamin R. Yeah. A little vitamin R. That's a real thing in the Pacific Northwest. That's great.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:48

And Chevelle's favorite beer.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:52

What a claim to fame. So yeah, we can have a nice little, you know, picnic.

SPEAKER_03 1:35:56

Uh, JT, what about you?

SPEAKER_02 1:35:58

I want the uh owl that gave Edward the little wings.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:01

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:02

There you go.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:03

Nice. Awesome.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:04

But I do want to uh bring up a prop because this is my second every time I see it is so fucking funny. Okay. During the flashback scene, these fucking little wolf hats.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:17

These fucking little wolf hats.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:19

They're so bad.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:21

They crack me up every time. They're so good. I love it. Oh, here, here. I get it. Here they come. It looks like they bought him at like.

SPEAKER_06 1:36:32

This is culture appropriation.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:34

Like they bought him at like a like offshoot Disney store. Oh, that's some spirit Halloween shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Fucking Edward in his like sweater vested jaunty traveling cap in the 1920s. It's so funny to me. Yeah. Alright, well, there are tons of little side characters in the movie, and we all could be casting here. Who should we play as a bit part? And I do want to say this bit part Q is specific to what I think Bella feels like when she first discovers what Edward is. Oh no.

SPEAKER_06 1:37:04

A what?

SPEAKER_03 1:37:08

My favorite bit part of all time.

SPEAKER_07 1:37:10

A what?

SPEAKER_03 1:37:11

Holy shit.

SPEAKER_07 1:37:12

So good.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:13

I don't think I've used that one before, but if not, I thought it was a perfect fit.

SPEAKER_07 1:37:17

That's Jaws, right? That is Jaws. A wall? A what? What?

SPEAKER_03 1:37:21

Ashley's favorite movie.

SPEAKER_07 1:37:22

I love that movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:23

I have to go first for my bit part because I know someone else has picked it. I have to take it off the table. Oh. I have to be the Jonathan Davis looking cashier at the restaurant. Yeah. You know in his head, he's thinking, oom bop, oom, bop, my cat. I knew you were gonna pick that, and I still wrote down cat corn guy as an alternate. Uh Priscilla, is there a character in the movie you want to play? Oh, okay. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_06 1:37:51

That was mine. Okay. Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_03 1:37:53

What if we're standing next to each other? We're both just cashiers.

SPEAKER_06 1:37:56

That guy.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:57

You can be the girl I'm talking to. One of you can be that guy's date. Hey, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he at a table? I thought he was like a cashier.

SPEAKER_06 1:38:04

She's not even thinking about cat.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:06

No, he's eating. He's not even thinking about her. Oh shit, he's playing Jenga too. Oh, hell yeah. Look at this guy.

SPEAKER_06 1:38:11

He's just he's just thinking about his cat at home.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:13

Living the life. Hell yeah. All right. Uh, Ashley, who would you like to play?

SPEAKER_07 1:38:17

I gotta be the Rockabilly waitress. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:21

Are we all at this restaurant? That would be so good if we're all at the restaurant. Nathan? When they go to the plant nursery, uh, Eric runs towards Bella with a stick and yells, Bella, look, it's a worm. Yep. I want to be the worm that's dangled in Kristen Stewart's face. Jesus Christ. All right.

SPEAKER_01 1:38:40

Uh Mally, who do you want to be? Towards the end, when uh, I don't know, the Limp Biscuit fan and Edward are fighting and he says the line, like, I'm strong enough to kill you, and then like throws him across the thing. Uh-huh. When he crashes through the mirror, it's the most obvious stunt double of all time. Oh, yeah. I will be him.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:57

Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_01 1:38:58

That's really funny. Looks nothing like him.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:01

Uh JT, who do you want to be? Okay, so go back to the restaurant. Let's see. There's a shot of a guy that's uh behind Bella, I think. Uh-huh. He does not move at all. He does not eat. You're right. He does not look up like Is he dead? I don't know. He was going through it. I don't know what's going on. All right. All right. I love that.

SPEAKER_07 1:39:20

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:21

All right, everyone. Well, we're here at the end of Twilight, so we gotta talk about it. There's that uh vampire waiting in the wings. Who knows what I I don't even remember what that fucking lady's name is, but what is the silver lining to the first Twilight? Any takers on going first? Um go. Okay, go ahead. Oh, go ahead, JT. I just don't want this to get taken because I only got this one. Okay. So because Jasper is like the newest uh quote unquote vegetarian, yeah, silver lining is that he was able to fight for Bella with the help of his friends and family. He was able to control his blood frenzy. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:39:55

Yeah, boy.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:57

Go ahead, Nathan. Charlie got a second chance to be a good dad. Okay. If we ignore what happens in the sequels, we we absolutely do. Um mine is gonna be Edward was able to save Bella from the horrible life of not having to sleep, eat, deal with aching pains as you age, not getting bit by mosquitoes. Wait a minute, hold on. Hold on. Actually, this sounds pretty good. Never mind. He should have turned her into a vampire. I see no downsides. No. Priscilla, do you have a silver lining for Twilight?

SPEAKER_06 1:40:24

The guy in the wheelchair is not dead. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:27

Well, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 1:40:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:30

All right.

SPEAKER_06 1:40:31

I thought he was dead.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:32

Oh, you mean the actor? Okay. I thought you meant the character. Priscilla, the actor's also not in a wheelchair. Yeah, I don't know if you know this.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:40

Well, that's good news too.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:42

That is good news. That is good news.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:45

He is risen. It's a miracle.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:48

Uh, Mattley, what's yours?

SPEAKER_02 1:40:50

I mean, the whole Colin family apparently has significant others, so I guess I mean they're all coming a lot.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:55

Sure. Hey, that's nice. The Cummins.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:58

They're all coming a lot. No. No, you're not into that? Mattley Silverlining is that he is now gonna watch all the other ones. Hell yeah. No, no. What if he just turns into like the biggest Twilight fan? That's a Patreon series. That would be a good Patreon miniseries.

SPEAKER_01 1:41:14

Wait, just me live reacting to watching all these for the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, fucking hell.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:20

No, it'd be so funny if it's like a commentary, but we don't put the movie's audio under it. So like it's like a like two hours of dead silence, and Mallie goes, oh, out loud? Uh actually what you're silverlining.

SPEAKER_07 1:41:33

Jessica, Anna Kendrick's character, found a prom dress that made her boobs look great.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:38

I was gonna say, I didn't want to be crass, but I was like, she looks incredible in that dress.

SPEAKER_01 1:41:42

Oh, her boobs are just fucking out.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:46

It's one of Kristen Stewart's most likable moments in the movie, too, when she like points at Anna Kendrick at the prom and is like like gestures at her boobs and gives her a thumbs up.

SPEAKER_07 1:41:55

Those look great.

SPEAKER_03 1:41:55

It's pretty great. I text JT a screenshot. I was like, honestly, I did not know Anna Kendrick was hiding all of that. Oh yeah.

unknown 1:42:02

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:03

Uh okay, let's say this. Let's say either you did not enjoy your time rewatching Twilight, or for the first time seeing it, or you're so fucking scared of Victoria, the vampire that's just hiding out at the end. Scariest fucking lady I've ever seen in my life. You need a movie to balance things out. So, what is a movie people should double feature with Twilight with our pick-me-ups? I'm gonna go ahead and go because this movie teased me werewolves throughout, and it never delivered. So I'm gonna go with Tease Me Werewolves. One of my favorite werewolf movies and a movie that I think has incredible special effects for its werewolf. I'm gonna go with Bad Moon. Oh, I've never seen that one. The werewolf effects in that movie are fucking great, dude. I gotta tell you. It looks amazing. Yes. I'll check it out. Let's go with JT. What movie are you gonna watch? Good luck, have fun, don't die. That's a very fun movie. Oh, I haven't seen that yet either. It is extremely fun. It's a lot of fun, dude. Please. Uh Mallie, what are you gonna watch? Um Adventureland. Oh, okay. Well, Kristen Stewart, sure.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:01

One of my favorite Kristen Stewart movies.

SPEAKER_03 1:43:02

Sure, sure, sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:43:03

Where the needle drops don't piss me off.

SPEAKER_03 1:43:05

Uh Priscilla, what movie would you watch after you watch Twilight? I gotta I gotta say, Priscilla's been drinking like an entire bottle of wine this whole time, so she's just in a good mood. Hell yeah. She's me in most episodes. Well, I feel like I'm obligated to say it. Do it. Don't say 50 Shades of Gray. No. Ashley was waiting for it. Yeah. You know what? Fine. Fine. I think I think we're gonna have to do it. I think, you know, we've been talking about doing another commentary. We gotta do a commentary. Yeah, we gotta do it. We gotta do it.

SPEAKER_06 1:43:41

I feel like it's a good 4th of July movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:43:44

Maybe, maybe we do a commentary in July for Harry and the Henderson. I think we gotta. Harry and the Frienderson? There you go. Is that our new miniseries? I'm busy. Uh Ashley, what would you watch after Twilight?

SPEAKER_07 1:43:58

I went with another movie where a guy who looks like he's too old to be in high school tries to date someone who looks younger. I went with Ten Things I Hate About You.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:06

Oh, I was thinking Dear Evan Hansen, but okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:44:09

Because Heath Ledger looks so much older than all the other kids in that movie.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:13

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, he's like 47. Yes.

SPEAKER_07 1:44:16

That's also one of my favorites.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:18

Ten Fangs I Hate About You.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:20

That was a Nathan bit. I think I got everybody right. I did not go. Go ahead, Nathan. What's yours? The whole time I was watching this, I thought I could be watching Fright Knight instead. The original Fright Knight, absolutely. Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_06 1:44:32

I have a second one.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:34

What's your second one, then, Brazol?

SPEAKER_06 1:44:35

Teen Wolf.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:37

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:37

Fuck yeah. Sure. Not Teen Wolf 2 with Bateman? No. Fair.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:43

Uh all right. I gotta ask. Do we recommend Twilight, the first one?

SPEAKER_04 1:44:47

What the fuck? No. It depends.

SPEAKER_03 1:44:51

Okay. I would recommend continuing to be married to my wife and watching it with her at least once a year. Sure. Sure. That's the only way I'll watch it.

SPEAKER_07 1:45:00

We do.

SPEAKER_03 1:45:01

I just think objectively there are parts of this movie that are just bad. Like the dialogue and some of the direction. Just it's not great. Hot take. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_07 1:45:08

Yeah, but it's a fun wine night movie. You know what I mean? It is.

SPEAKER_03 1:45:12

It is fun to watch with a group or just get just get hammered and fucking watch it. It is a lot of fun with that.

SPEAKER_01 1:45:17

Yeah. Oh, I thought Priscilla fell out of her chair for a second.

SPEAKER_03 1:45:20

No, she was picking up baby Theo. Theo. So do we want to watch this little fight scene real quick, or should we save this? Oh yes. Oh my yeah. God show it to me. Okay. You gotta see this. So, Mally, this is the climax of the final movie. Okay. And you were going to Wow, what a freeze frame. You were going to hate this so much. Okay. All right, everyone shut the fuck up. Here we go. What the fuck? Oh yeah, Michael Sheen's in there. Sorry. I've got to tell you. What the fuck? I know she is having a great time.

SPEAKER_04 1:46:19

Who cut her hair?

SPEAKER_05 1:46:23

You still need to change your decision.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:29

That's the signal.

SPEAKER_03 1:46:30

Wait, so is she a vampire now?

SPEAKER_07 1:46:32

Yeah, she's a vampire now.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:34

That's her daughter, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:46:35

That's her daughter.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:37

And that's Jacob. And that's Jacob. Wait, I'm sorry, but she's like 10. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:46:42

Yeah, she has accelerated growth because she's a half vampire.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:45

Mally, when there's three movies, we're not gonna explain everything that's going on. Yeah, for real. Just watch the scene.

SPEAKER_04 1:46:51

Whoa.

SPEAKER_07 1:46:56

Was that Lee Pace?

SPEAKER_03 1:46:57

Oh yeah, Lee Pace is at Lee's. I forgot. Yeah. Rami Malik?

SPEAKER_07 1:47:01

Yeah, Rami Malik. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 1:47:03

Who's the guy that yells artifice? It's my favorite line. Oh god, the CGI wolves are so bad.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:17

The werewolves in them are friends now.

SPEAKER_03 1:47:19

Yeah, this is fascinating. It's an uneasy alliance.

SPEAKER_02 1:47:22

He's not running any faster than normal.

SPEAKER_03 1:47:26

Here we go. Here we go. Wait, what? Wait, how'd that work? Oh, what huh? Yo. Wait, just wait.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:46

Robbie fucking and the chick from Westworld.

SPEAKER_03 1:47:49

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 1:47:52

Fuck him up. Oh no, they're mad.

SPEAKER_07 1:47:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:47:58

Why are there wait, why are the Amazonians from Wonder Woman in the fight scene?

SPEAKER_03 1:48:04

Go! Attack!

SPEAKER_02 1:48:08

Oh man. Oh, there's so many big fluffy boys. Mm-hmm. That one guy's a hood was so hot.

SPEAKER_03 1:48:17

It is really funny how they're just dire wolves. Like they don't, they're not really like werewolf guys.

SPEAKER_07 1:48:23

Yeah, they're just big old wolves.

SPEAKER_03 1:48:30

I'm about to make a name for myself. Oh yeah, uh Mally, uh Jasper trained all these people for all the vampires to fight. The training scene makes me laugh so hard, dude.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:42

Oh my god, the code- there's a fanning. Yeah. Wait, what did what the fuck just happened? Oh, she has a horrible power, right? Like, that's why she causes pain.

SPEAKER_07 1:48:51

She can like look at people and cause pain.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:54

Wait, who causes pain? Dakota fanning. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 1:48:59

God, that eyeliner is awful. Were we saying about the training, JT? Oh, I was explaining that the reason why Jasper trained him was because he was in the Confederate army. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:08

Oh, and you, you know, historically they're great at winning wars.

SPEAKER_03 1:49:12

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:13

So many heads being ripped off.

SPEAKER_03 1:49:14

Yep. There's a great scene where Edward says, like, yeah, Jasper's gonna teach us how to fight these vampires, and it cuts to the training montage, and it's just Jasper being like, Alright, so what you want to do is pick them up and throw them. And like that's the whole fight scene, is just like you just throw them.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:29

Oh, so that's how you kill them is ripping heads off?

SPEAKER_03 1:49:32

Yeah, man, and then burning the bodies. Okay, cool. Got it.

SPEAKER_01 1:49:38

Okay, she did a black widow flip for no reason. Yeah. So uh Carlisle Dud, Jasper Dud.

SPEAKER_03 1:49:49

I forgot it goes this long.

SPEAKER_07 1:49:51

It goes a long time.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:52

But like so far it's pretty good, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:49:54

So I mean, I don't know if I'd say good, but I mean it's stuff is happening, which is more. Than I can say for the movie I just watched, right? Yeah, exactly. It looks like the climax of the series, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:50:05

This looks like the big Battle for Hogwarts almost, but like without a budget.

SPEAKER_01 1:50:08

Uh there should be another head going. There should be more blood. Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:50:12

Well, it's a PG 13 movie, so this is what you get.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:14

You feel like vampires are like full of blood, right?

SPEAKER_07 1:50:16

That's like their thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:18

So wait, so she just makes eye contact with people and they hurt?

SPEAKER_07 1:50:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:22

Oh my god. Oh my god. Yo, fuck that dude. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 1:50:32

Wait, so which one is Jacob? He's the one with the daughter, right? Yeah, like that one.

SPEAKER_07 1:50:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:50:39

So that's the baby he wants to. Yep. Yep. Wow, that's upsetting. He's like, I gotta get far away so we can get married. I've literally known you since you were a newborn, but uh. Oh yeah, he like runs until his like heart gives out, right? Yeah. Wait, what?

SPEAKER_02 1:50:53

But he's like 18. Does he have a heart condition? What the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 1:51:02

I do hate if you're gonna make someone a werewolf that they're just a wolf. Yeah. Like that's not a werewolf.

SPEAKER_07 1:51:07

We already have those.

SPEAKER_03 1:51:08

It's a their wolf. Yeah. His slash her wolf. They're not swearwolves. Whoa! Oh yeah, Robbie Malik has like super strength.

SPEAKER_01 1:51:22

Don't they all have super strength?

SPEAKER_03 1:51:24

Yeah, I know, right? He has super duper strength.

SPEAKER_06 1:51:26

I think he like can control elements. They couldn't play baseball because they were gonna scare people and hear them and decide to create a goddamn earthquake.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:37

Yeah, wait.

SPEAKER_03 1:51:38

There's no thunderstorm happening. I think they're in like Antarctica or something. That's how I can get away with this. Robbie Malik has reverse Pangea powers.

SPEAKER_04 1:51:52

Oh no. Oh my god, it's the end of the mummy. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:52:04

Oh wolf in the lava. Bless up, big bless.

SPEAKER_03 1:52:08

Big up big bless.

SPEAKER_02 1:52:15

Oh no. Edward.

SPEAKER_07 1:52:17

Edward.

SPEAKER_03 1:52:20

She does get so Yasified when she turns into a vampire. It's so crazy.

SPEAKER_01 1:52:24

I mean, everyone got, I don't want to say a glow up because some they look equally terrible, but just like cleaner terrible. Sure. I'm sorry. He just wolverened out of that fucking pit. Okay, that was fucking sick. Right? That was fucking sick.

SPEAKER_03 1:52:44

Oh, this is pretty good. Wait, yeah, you're making eye contact. Shouldn't she be in pain? I guess you gotta activate it. I don't know. Activate pain eyes. But they're like, I mean, they're not.

SPEAKER_07 1:52:54

Yeah, because Bella's putting a shield around her.

SPEAKER_03 1:52:56

Oh, right. She has super shield power. This is like when you're playing with the playground. Oh, I got a force field. Lava doesn't hurt me. I got force field. Priscilla left. She had to go help Red Light. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:53:13

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 1:53:14

Oh. Who's that guy? Let me give you a hand. Ooh, I don't like the way he licked his lips like that. Oh, he's licking his lips. I don't like this.

SPEAKER_01 1:53:31

It's kind of fucking rules. Right? All this is pretty good. Wait, is that the dude from Stranger Things?

SPEAKER_02 1:53:37

Yes. What the fuck? It's uh fucking Vecna, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:53:40

Leap Hace. Woo!

SPEAKER_03 1:53:42

What what? Wait, wait, what? Because she has electric powers. This is so funny to just have Mally jump to here. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh right! Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:53:55

Forgot about that. And that's uh I can I can't remember his name, but he was in uh shameless.

SPEAKER_03 1:54:01

Steven Haddington, yeah. What the fuck? Or McHaddie, Stephen McHatty. Wait. Wait, hang on. They just like bifurcated him. What just happened? They ran at him so hard he flew into three pieces. Oh, oh shit, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:18

Martin's getting into it.

SPEAKER_03 1:54:19

Edward wore his battle denim shirt. Okay. Oh man. Alright, here we go, here we go.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:38

Yes, hold hands.

SPEAKER_03 1:54:44

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck wait. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:50

He just threw her So they're just trying to rip the other one's head off before the other one can?

SPEAKER_07 1:55:06

Yeah, basically.

SPEAKER_03 1:55:11

There goes Michael Sheen's head. Man, heads come off really easily in this franchise. I know. Alright, so that's all pretty good, right? Pretty good.

SPEAKER_09 1:55:22

And then No! Wait, no, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_03 1:55:30

Hold on. That's not okay. Hold on. Hold on. Is this it? What the fuck? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, here it is. Okay. So you just saw the fire go through his eyes. Yeah. And then it cuts to this.

SPEAKER_06 1:55:44

Now you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:55:48

No. What the fuck? Yep. All the fake out. What? Isn't that infuriating that that doesn't happen?

SPEAKER_07 1:56:01

Yeah, she's showing him what could happen.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:03

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 1:56:04

Actually, I can't.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:08

And then they just walk away. What? I will say, I desperately wish I could have been in the theater when people saw Carlisle's head get ripped off and been like, that's not the book. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 1:56:19

Oh, I was there and it was crazy.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:21

That's the thing. It makes for a great theater experience.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:24

Wait, wait, hang on. What happens in the book?

SPEAKER_07 1:56:26

I don't remember.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:29

No, in the book, she he just touches her hand and he's like, okay, now I see that I would die if I fought you. Like there's no fight scene in the book. Oh. I imagine in the theater was fucking nuts. And then when that fake out happens, if I was an audience patron, I would have been livid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:45

When you said that my hand started hovering over the leave video button on Discord, I was I'm pissed.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:52

Yep. That's the end of this franchise. Wow, they really did that, huh? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:56

Like that's like the big like final thing in the whole franchise. Yep. And they're just like, nah.

SPEAKER_03 1:57:02

Yep. Wow. It's infuriating. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:57:05

Oh, so I don't need to watch any more of these then.

SPEAKER_03 1:57:08

No, you sure don't. Cool. You don't. But uh yeah, I guess uh It's Twilight! So thank you for listening, everybody. If you haven't already, please Why do you keep teasing us with it? Please subscribe. Let us come, Dustin.

SPEAKER_02 1:57:24

Let us come.

SPEAKER_03 1:57:26

Please subscribe, rate, and leave feedback wherever you're listening to us right now. You can follow us on social media, just search for the Severlinings playlist. You can also get links to all of our uh social media platforms on our website at tslppodcast.com. There's also links to our free Discord you can join and uh chat with us and other listeners of the show and uh previous guests as well. And uh if you want more of the show, you can get it on patreon.com slash several linings playlist for a dollar a month. You get episodes released early, you get mini shows like uh right now. Our final episode of Robrocops for now is out on Robocop our final episode of Robocops because we're covering Robocop Prime Directive. Sure. What the fuck is that? It's the second live action TV show, super low budget.

SPEAKER_02 1:58:13

Wait, second live action? Yeah, motherfucker, I knew that I knew there was like a couple movies and a cartoon. What the fucking shit? I know.

SPEAKER_03 1:58:21

Mallie, there are two cartoons. Oh no. Yeah, and actually, we're putting the uh the series on ice for now until uh Amazon's new RoboCop series comes to air, which we'll see if that actually happens. But that's a thing. That's a thing. Can you believe it? OCP is gonna make a RoboCop TV show. Hell no. And yeah, I think that's everything. If you want to get in touch with us, you can email us at the civil lines playlist at gmail.com or use the contact us form on our website. I'm running low on bit cues. I do have to say on the bit part queues, so I'll take any suggestions you got. But that's it. That's all for Twilight. And uh I guess, Mally, you have to give us a clue for our next episode.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:02

One question. Is Kipper a kind of sex act? Great question. Okay. We're gonna find out.

SPEAKER_03 1:59:11

We are gonna find out on the next episode. So tune in for that. Priscilla, Ashley, thank you so much for being on the show. It was lovely having you both.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:19

Thanks for having us. I learned so much about this fucking franchise.

SPEAKER_03 1:59:23

And uh, as always, it's trying. Oh man.

SPEAKER_06 1:59:29

Where the fuck do you get this? That's me, baby. You don't recognize them pipes.